WE ARE...
Enter YourJokes
There are lots of tasteless jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on
Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated,
and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and
happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers.
Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream,
I'd eat every bite."
Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her
husband was going to do about it.
The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife
became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to
the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.
"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won't
punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for
shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly,
you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I'm not
going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!"
A gynaecologist examines a lesbian and remarked "Madam that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen"
She replied "Thank you, I have a woman in twice a week !"
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse, when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die!", she wails.
Then she yells,
"Well,if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable.
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman
in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He is gorgeous - tall, well built with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt,one button at a time.
No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends his hand
to the trembling woman and whispers .......
.....
.....
.....
"Iron this."
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry.
So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.
She bought new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the man,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and
gave them to the man. She said,
"I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one took the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment,
returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said,
"I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to
marry the one with the biggest tits.
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough.
They could not afford a larger house so, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules)
and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks),light it, put it
in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man but I don't see how putting
a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion.
The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy
when he realized how truly backwards these people were.
This doctor instead told the an to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a
beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and
put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
count "1...2...3...4...5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between
his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.....
A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf,
arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.
Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to
be his companion for evening.
Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese,
their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!".
Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners
holed his shot from 170 yards away!. Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese.
Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling,"Gama Su!, Gama Su!".
Suddenly everyone became quiet.
After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked
"Wrong hole? What you mean wrong hole?".
A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.
About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp’s hand.
Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.
Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, “I quite like the white wine but it doesn’t half make my fucking arse sore.”
A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she
asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter "PENIS".
Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
?300.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife knows fucking everything.
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven." Go and drink the holy water." The first
nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbour's dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down main street!" The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so terribly funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I pissed in the holy water..."
A family had the grandmother living with them. They loved having her around, but got to the stage
where they felt they couldn't look after her as well as she deserved.
After much soul searching, they looked for and found a wonderful nursing home. They took the
grandmother along, and left her for a day to see how she liked it.
She chatted to the existing residents, the staff, etc. It seemed good. She was delighted to be sat on the
patio looking at the wonderful gardens, talking to residents & staff,
playing bridge and being treated to tea, biscuits, snacks, etc.
Whilst sitting there, she slowly started to lean to the left. The staff immediately came along,
straightened her up, and asked if she was OK. She insisted she was.
Ten minutes later, she slowly started to lean to the right. Again the staff came along, straightened her
up and enquired if she was OK with the old lady insisting everything was fine.
This happened a number of times throughout the rest of the day.
At teatime, the lady's family turned up and asked her how the day had went.
"Ooh its lovely here, I really like it" she said, "Mind you, they won't let you fart!"
3 Tampax are going down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra
Which one says "Hello" ?
.
.
.
.
None - they're all stuck up cunts!!!
An old, but rich man marries a gorgeous 21 year old model with a very aggressive sexual appetite. It isn't long before they realise that the husband is not able to make her come during their protracted sex sessions.
They decide to seek the advice of a sex counsellor. After having heard their problem he suggests that the wife might be able to come if they hire a male gigolo with a huge nob to stand naked over them during love-making and wave a towel at them for about 10 minutes. Although puzzled they try this the next evening, but alas to no avail, so they go back to the counsellor and describe the failure.
The counsellor suggests that maybe the gigolo should wave the towel for the entire period of love-making. That evening they retry, but again to no avail so back they go to the counsellor. Upon hearing of the failure the counsellor asks if the gigolo is waving the towel vigorously enough as this is an important aspect of the therapy.
So that night the couple get after it and inform the gigolo to give the towel a bloody good wave. After three hours of lovemaking the wife has still not come. In frustration the old man jumps off the bed, grabs the towel from the gigolo and orders him to screw his wife while he waves the towel frantically. In less than ten minutes the wife reaches an earth-shattering orgasm, nearly breaking all the windows in the house with her squeals of ecstasy. At this point the old man jumps forward with a victorious look on his face and shouts triumphantly at the gigolo "There you are sonny, that's how you wave a fucking towel!"
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the
husband turned to his wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy
nightgown, and whispered, "This guy hasn't seen a woman in
years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with
you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on
it!"
"I'm so relieved you feel that way." the wife hissed, spitting out her gag,
"He just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight arse!"
A man walkes into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.
He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man askes the bartender what the jar is for.
The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if you can make him laugh you get the money.
If not you owe me 100 dollars.
The man says, "I can do that!"
So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud.
The man walkes out and says goodbye and takes the money from the jar.
About two months later the same man comes into the same bar and there is a new jar of money.
The man askes the bartender what the new jar of money is for.
The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars.
The man says, "OK I'll do it!"
So he walkes into the back room and about 3 minutes has gone by when the bar tender hears the donkey crying.
The man walkes out and grabs the money. Before the man leaves the bartender askes the man how did he make the donkey laugh.
The man looks at the bartender and says
"Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger dick
then he did."
"So how did you make him cry ?" asks the bartender
"Well...I just showed him."
A man brings home a cock sucking frog and gives it to his wife.
She asks "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that"
So he replies "Teach it to cook, then fuck off"
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.
"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"Ah, yes, divorce , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub
and each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they
were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in
each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT
OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room,
and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum
and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"
"It's ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went
back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to
discover his mother giving his father a blow job.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change of plan," his father replied.
"Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
A man had great tickets for the Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the cup final, the biggest sporting event in the UK and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour - to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head...
"No. They're all at the funeral."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me.
My dick's gone orange."
The sceptical doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his
pants so he can check. Sure enough the guy's dick is bright orange.
Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused
by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of
possible stress, the doctor asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was sacked about six weeks ago and the doctor
tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds,
"No. The boss was a bastard, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week
and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of
weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got
on the old job and my new boss is really great."
So the doc asks the guy, "How's your home life?"
The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy's stress.
Guy says, "No. For years all I listened to was nag, nag, nag.
God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit at home,watch porno films and eat Wotsits."
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean ?" the guy says. "You can't tell the difference ?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages..."
"But doc surely there must be a test."
"Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country and kick her out of the car."
"Then what ??"
"If she finds her way back - don't fuck her."
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road,
he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and mediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologised profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologised."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW !
The women immediately leans out her window and yells, TOSSER !
They each continue on their way, and as the women rounds the next curve,
she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.
If only women would listen.
Two men ...
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.
They are each thinking exactly the same thing.
What are they both thinking? (SCROLL DOWN)
Don't look down
Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-through" cash point machines in
the UK, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or
FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Remove card and receipt
6 Drive off
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on the passenger seat to locate card
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Check eyelashes in mirror
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
26 Release hand brake
A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone
bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen. So, I picked out the largest and most heavily tattooed biker,
punched him on the nose, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground,
then told him, "Now, leave her alone or things are really going to get really ugly!"
St. Peter was impressed and asked "When did this happen?"
"About ten minutes ago."
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Limerick County Council, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
© Copyright Nene Valley Computer Services Ltd. 2001 - 2008