Tasteless jokes - tasteless humour from YourJokes

Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!

Shiftwork

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How’d you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That’s my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven’t spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn’t about to start now!"

Cannibals ...

Five cannibals get jobs as computer programmers. During his welcome the boss says: "You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees."

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

Golfing accident

There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man as he’s walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.

The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.

After a while one blonde asks if it feels better, and he says, "That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!"

Losing your load

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.....

"Hi, my name is Kevin and I’m driving a f**king gritter !"

Nice kids

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into a shop with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The shopkeeper says, "Good morning... Nice children you’ve got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell... no they ain’t, the oldest one, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins...? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the shopkeeper, "I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice!"

Co-Worker Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It’s Keith... the midget."

In the bar ...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, he goes to the bar and orders three whiskys.
The cat shouts "I’m not paying"
"I know" says the man "I’m paying."

A little later he comes to the bar again, and orders three whiskeys, "I’m not paying" shouts the cat again, again the man tells him that he is paying.

The man comes to the bar a third time, and again the cat shouts "I’m not paying".
The barman intruiged by this asks the fellow,"Excuse me sir, but why have you come in here with that cat and an ostrich ?"
"Well" says the man, "Before I came in here, I met a genie who said he would grant me any wish. So I asked for a long legged bird, with a tight pussy".

Kindergarten

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It’s a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Buggered if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shit himself."