Tasteless jokes - tasteless humour from YourJokes

Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!

Stuck Pig

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.

"There’s a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he’s kicking and squealing so much I can’t get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss.
"In the back of the "cruiser there’s a pistol Put it up to the pig’s head and shoot it.
When its body goes all limp you’ll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again,
"I did what you said, boss.I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can’t go on."
"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What’s the problem?"
"Well it’s his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."

Union Rules

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I’m sorry it isn’t."
"Well, if I pay you £100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets £80 and the girls get £20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you £100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get £80 and the house gets £20" the madam replied.
"That’s more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam £100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I’d like her," he said.
"I’m sure you would, sir," said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next."

Fluffy Bunny

A sweet young girl entered a pet shop and asked, "Do you have widdle wabbits ?"

The shopkeeper knelt down, smiled and asked, "Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft fuwwy bwack wabby, or a cute widdle bwown wabby ?"

She put her hands on her hips and said quietly, "I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit !"

Disabled Parking

So I parked my big 4x4 V8 in the disabled parking bay at Tesco. Some do-gooder shouted "Oi, what’s your disability then mate?!".

I shouted "Tourettes you fuckin wanker, now piss off !!!".

Pro Celebrity Golf

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How’s the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing,but I think I’ve got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

And Woods says: "But, you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods says to Stevie: "We’ve got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I’m game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Only in Britain

Only in Britain can you get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance.

Rare condition

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can’t believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can’t believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma’am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Le Logiciel La Logiciel

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk"or "pencil" have a gender association, although in English these words are neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and divided the class into two groups; one group all male, the other all female. They were to decide which gender should be applied to "computer" and give four reasons for their decision.

The results

The group of women concluded computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The group of men decided computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory banks for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.