Sick jokes - sick and twisted humour from YourJokes

Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!

Q & A

Q: What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth ?
A: 1 U.S. leader

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed ?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the brothel say ?
A: Beat it - we’re closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties ?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame ?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

Q: What’s the speed limit of sex ?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex ?
A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

English - German Motoring Dictionary

Beware - scammers

I myself have fallen victim to the latest scam in Chiswick while shopping. This happened in the high road and it could happen to you.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as you are leaving the shops while your are placing your packages in the front footwell of your car. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to the Kingston Bentalls centre.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I fell for this scam last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn’t find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

Quickies ..

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

A chicken and an egg

A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers THAT long asked question!"

Child Support Agency

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father’s details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was Fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.

Typical Swedish baby boy

A Swede is drinking in a bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a
typical Swedish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Swede just shrugs, "That’s about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy’s a typical Swedish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you’re the father of that typical Swedish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Swedish father takes a long swig of Aquavit, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."

Rolex

My neighbours, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Positive thinking...

After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar in the wild west and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they’ve got no money and the barman won’t give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian’s scalp on his belt. The barman shakes his head and says,"I hate Indians. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the scalp of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars."

The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian...
later that day they see one, and Mick throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine. Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine where Paddy starts scalping the Indian.

Suddenly Mick says,"Paddy look at this...."
Paddy says,"In a minute."
"No, look at this....,"says Mick.
"No, can’t ya see i’m fookin busy....."
Mick grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the top of the ravine.

"Fook me," says Paddy, "we’re gonna be millionaires."