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There are lots of sick and twisted jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
Five guys in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the driver.
"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking thelaw."
The driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Following the Last Trump Mother Teresa, Lady Di and Tony Blair arise and head for heaven.
All three of them are standing outside the pearly gates and are met by
St Peter who says "Aah yes I was expecting you three, go along that corridor there your rooms are marked
with your names’.
Mother Teresa’s room is first and she goes in to find a smelly excrement filled room with a
disgustingly dirty bed, lying on the bed is the ugliest man in creation fat, flatulent, bald,
no teeth etc. The door slams behind Mother Teresa and the voice of God comes over the intercom
’Mother Teresa you led a life of debauchery and sin your penance is to make love to this man
for all eternity’.
’Fuck me" thought the other two.
Lady Di’s room was next it was even more gross than the last and the hideously ugly man laying
leering on the bed was even uglier than the last. Again the door slams behind Di and the voice
of God booms out "Dianna you led a disgusting, debauched and unholy life on earth.
Your penance is to make love to this man for all eternity"
Jesus fucking christ thought Tony Blair.
He walks to his room and with trepidation steps in... soft lighting shows a beautiful room,
champagne chilling by the bed, and Claudia Schiffer stretched out stark naked on the silk sheets.
The door slams behind Tony and the voice of God once more booms out.
’CLAUDIA SCHIFFER! YOU LED A DISGUSTING,DEBAUCHED AND UNHOLY LIFE ON EARTH.................
A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. "
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh
The dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January one for February, one for..."
At 4 success is not pissing your pants
At 12 success is having lots of friends
At 16 success is having sex
At 30 success is making money
At 60 success is having sex
At 70 success is having lots of friends
At 80 success is not pissing your pants
David Ginola - Vagina dildo
Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I’m a gonad
Tony Blair PM - I’m tory plan B
Virginia Bottomley - I’m an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he’s alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Metropolitan Police Force - I’m fellatio, the erect porno cop
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Mel Gibson - Big melons
Gloria Estefan - Large fat noise
Chris Rea - Rich arse
Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Evangelist - Evil’s Agent
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Semolina - Is No Meal
Two men ...
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.
They are each thinking exactly the same thing.
What are they both thinking? (SCROLL DOWN)
Don’t look down
The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely fucker is reading This..
Hang in there sunshine!
A man goes to the doctor’s
"Doctor I think I’ve caught that bird flu that’s going round"
"What makes you think that?"
"Well I’ve started wearing make-up, talking bollocks and I can’t park the car!"
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