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Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots if other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass. "Hey," he called out. "I’m a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us, " they all cried out.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.
It tasted so good.
"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said, "you see that field over there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted. "They are wonderful" he told his new friends.
Much later, he asked them again: "What else do you do?" "You see that field there in the distance? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well".
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce.
"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came close to him and spoke softly:
"There is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said "They’re girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back to his male friends. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of the asked.
"I’m sorry. I had a great time. Believe me, but I can’t".
The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.... I’m dying for a smoke."
Q.) What’s the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What’s the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) How can you tell when a car mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them
to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, can’t get a hard on. His depression is
made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend
shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE,
TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a stiffy."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that’s embarrassing? I
couldn’t even get on the bed."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out
as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do housing estate.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner
if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge ?"
The blonde after looking about, said, "How about 50 quid ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that
she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said
to her husband "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around
the house?"
The man replied: "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think
she’s dumb ?"
"No. I guess I’m guilty of being influenced by all the "dumb blonde" jokes."
Some time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You’re finished already?" he asked.
"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the five ten pound notes.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it’s not a Porch, it’s a Jaguar."
When you receive that phone call ...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my back is killing me, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If BT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can’t sell to employees.
Murphy gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from upstairs.
He rushes up and finds his wife naked on the bed, panting and sweating.
"What’s up?"
"I’m having a heart attack." she gasps.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone but his 4-year-old son tugs his arm and
says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick is hiding in your wardrobe."
So Murphy slams down the phone, rushes back upstairs and opens the wardrobe door.
Sure enough his brother Mick is hiding inside stark bolluck naked.
"You bastard!" shouts Murphy "There’s my wife having a heart attack and
you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
On their way to get married a couple has a fatal car accident.
The couple are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter turn up to register them.
While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don’t know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit around for a couple of months and begin to
wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal
aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn’t work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together
forever ?"
St. Peter returns after another month, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," say the couple, "but what if things don’t work out ?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What’s wrong?" exclaim the frightened couple.
"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up
here ! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to find a
lawyer ?"
Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work every day and passes a shoe shop. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much. It’s all he can think about. After many weeks he saves the price of the shoes, £300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement, Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?"
He replies, "I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He cries, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."
Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my £300 Boccelli leather shoes!"
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