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Enter YourJokes
There are lots of sick and twisted jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he said.
"Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ?5" he says.
"?5 !! Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ?10" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"?50" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"
"?100 if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old ... and ?100 would be very handy...."Well,
OK...but only for a minute," she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands
underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD...while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you
keep saying 'Oh my god'?"
While continuing to fondle her tits he answers "OH
MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get ?100 ?"
A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems as though you've got a major stuttering problem."
The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since!"
The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
"I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn't w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"
Dave walks into the bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled on the bar, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong.
"Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a hard on every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a smile.
"Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I'd get a stiffy again.
So I got some sellotape and taped my dick to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible." says Dave.
"So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell. And she answered it in the shortest skirt you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Jeff huddles over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."
A salesman is going door to door.
At one house a snotty little brat answers the door.
"Tell you what," he says to the salesman,
"I can persuade my parents to buy pretty well anything.
If you can do everything I can do, I'll talk them
into buying something. If you lose, then you give ?10.00."
Figuring that there's no way a nine-year-old brat could outsmart him, the
salesman agrees to the deal. Immediately, the kid climbs up the drainpipe
and hops onto the flat roof. The salesman does exactly the same.
The kid then runs across the roof, does a triple cartwheel and lands in
the back garden, with the salesman following suit.
Then the kid runs to where his teenage sister
is sunbathing, topless. He rushes over to her and kisses her on the left
breast. Not to be outdone, the salesman leaps over and does the same.
The kid then gropes both his sisters tits. So does the salesman. Then
the kid pulls down her bikini bottoms and licks her pussy, the
salesman does likewise.
THEN the brat pulls out his dick, wraps it round his little finger, and
says, "Where's my tenner ..."
A man walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the
waiter over. "I want to see the cocksucking motherfucking boss now!".
Naturally the waiter is a bit taken aback and says:"Would you please
refrain from from using that kind of language in here sir. I'll get the
manager as soon as I can."
When the manager comes over the bloke greets him with:" Are you
the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?"
"Yes sir I am but I would prefer it if you did not use that kind of
language in this restaurant. There are respectable guests dining here."
The bloke retorts:"Screw you anus features. Where's the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and the asks the man to explain himself.
"You stupid smelly dickhead are you fucking deaf or what? Where's the
twatting piano?"
"Ah", says the manager, "you've come about the pianist job we
advertised in the paper."
"Too fucking right", came the reply.
The manager takes him over to the piano but begs him not to speak into the
microphone. "Can you play any blues?"
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's
superb", gasps the manager. "What's it called?"
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my
knob-end"
The manager is a little perturbed. "Hmmm....well do you know any jazz?"
The man plays the most melancholy piece of jazz the manager has ever heard.
"What's it called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught
in the powder drawer".
The manager is now a tad embarrassed. "Well do you know any romantic ballads?"
The bloke plays the most heart wrenching melody ever. "That
was fantastic", crooned the manager. "What's that one called?", immediately
wishing that he hadn't asked.
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on
my hairy ring piece".
The manager finds the pianist's language totally repulsive but he is so
moved by his music that he hires him on condition that he never introduces his songs.
He agrees, and the arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks. Until
one night when the pianist sneaks off for a wank. He nips off to the staff toilets,
grits his teeth and starts buffing his banana. Just as he is
coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that pianist".
So he whips up his trousers and returns to the piano and starts to play some
more tunes.
After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers:
"Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers
dribbling come all over your shoes?"
"Know it", replied the pianist, "I fucking wrote it!!"
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
A salesman decides to try for a new job in a department store.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The man, "Yeah, I've been a salesman all my life."
The boss liked him, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.?
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.? After the
shop was locked up, the boss came down.? "How many sales did you make today?"
The salesman says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
"£50,237.64."
"£50,237.64?? What the hell did you sell him?"
"First I sold him a some fish hooks.Then I sold him a new fishing rod.?
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said
down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went
down to the boat department, and I sold him that big twin engine job.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the car department and sold him a 4x4 Land Rover."
The boss said, "Somebody came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a
boat and 4x4?"
"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and
I said, "Well, since your weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing."
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US navalship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES'
ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Seven wise men with the knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of
the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out
what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she
asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Buggered if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shit himself."
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple
was driving their perfect car along a winding road,
when they noticed someone at the side of the road in
distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of
Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an
accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows
there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing
as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the woman must have been driving. This explains why
there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still
reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen
Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his
mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment
next to the mailboxes wearing a robe, Joe smiled at the young woman and
she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped
open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on, Poor Joe broke out
into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off.
Now completely naked, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts,
they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and
solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best
part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?"
"Yes .."
"Well ... that was me."
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says
to her: 'Darling, would you give me a blow job?'
Horrified, she replies 'Are you mad? My parents will see us!'
Him: 'Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?'
Her: 'No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?'
Him: 'Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!'
Her: 'No way. It's just too risky!'
Him (horny as hell): 'Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?'
Her: 'No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!'
Him: 'Oh yes you can. Please?'
Her: 'No, no. I just can't'
Him: 'I beg you ... '
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little
sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
'Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job.
Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for f*ck sake! Tell him to take his hand off the intercom...'
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".
The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again"
This is one of those spooky little puzzles which for some reason
women find easier to solve than men....
You have to try and find the boat in the picture (link below). I have
been trying to find it for about 20 minutes now and although I thought I was
getting close.... no luck. You have to be a very observant person to be
able to find the boat. Give it a try and see how you get on.
Good Luck
I'm told that a 'Top Tip' is to try enlarging the image and pressing your
face close to the screen, squint, then move back slowly....
Frankly, I just don't believe there is a boat in this picture....
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has shit his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father shagging the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.
This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself,
asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining
that her tits are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your tits to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper,
and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror,
rubbing it between her tits.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day
will make them grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse, didn't it?"
Two couples were playing cards one evening.
One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table
to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua,
had her thighs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any
knickers! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Shaniqua followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that
you liked under the table?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that,
well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost
you ?50." After taking a minute or two to assess the offer,
Jerry admitted that he was indeed interested.
She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn't,
that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at
2:00 sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon ?50, they go to her bedroom and
have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses
and leaves.
Ray returned home from work at 6:00.
Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly,
"Did Jerry come by with some money?"
With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a
few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray asked, "And did he give you ?50 ?"
In terror she assumed she'd somehow been rumbled, and after mustering up her best poker
face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me ?50"
Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, said, "Good, I was hoping so. He came to the
office this morning and borrowed ?50 and promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his
way home and pay me back."
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
After her fifth child, Carol decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore
herself to her former youthful glory - cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a
ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd
tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot, rather than a badly
packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse,
"They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a
model patient that he wanted to say thanks"
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Carol
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to
get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Carol. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy
young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The
young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer
his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for ?100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me
what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment,
withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five ?20 notes, which he pressed into the
young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,
"Paint my house."
An Englishman and a Frenchman stood at the Pearly Gates awaiting St. Peters judgement.
St. Pete looked in his register and was amazed - he found that both had been the
least sinful to approach the gates in over ten thousand years. He decided that to
reward them he would grant them each a wish.
The Frenchman considered this for a time and decided that he wanted nothing for
himself but would like to benefit future generations of Frenchmen. He asked
St. Pete if it was possible to erect a huge wall around La Belle France to
keep out the filthy English with their BSE and Foot and Mouth disease.
St. Pete congratulated him on his lack of any personal greed and with a snap
of his fingers the wall appeared.
The Englishman considered this carefully and asked
"I'm very curious. Please tell me more about the wall."
St. Pete explained, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman quietly said, "Fill it up with water."
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her
mother said "You'd better not go out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood, because the big bad
wolf's out and you know what he'll do; He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your
little red panties and f**k your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs.
One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding
Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you.
He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"
As she continued through the forest, she came across the big bad wolf and he said,
"You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with
her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, "NO! You're going to eat me like the book says..."
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered "Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull:
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey,"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull,
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there , a cow came by and shat on it.
As the freezing bird lay in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard him singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of this Story:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels,
some climbing up and some merely fooling around.
- The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
- The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but Arseholes!!!!
After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar in
the wild west and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they've got no
money and the barman won't give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in
with a Red Indian's scalp on his belt. The barman shakes his head and
says,"I hate Indians. Last week the bastards burnt my barn to the
ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If any man brings me
the scalp of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars."
The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red
Indian...
later that day they see one, and Mick throws a stone which hits the
Red Indian on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands
70ft down a ravine. Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine where Paddy
starts scalping the Indian.
Suddenly Mick says,"Paddy look at this...."
Paddy says,"In a minute."
"No, look at this....,"says Mick.
"No, can't ya see i'm fookin busy....."
Mick grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians
standing at the top of the ravine.
"Fook me," says Paddy, "we're gonna be millionaires."
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive,
so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll,
but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..."
and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, shot over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to ?500.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it,
all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was getting unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She stripped off, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot into her and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A traffic policeman saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer.
You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and said...
"Voodoo Penis? Voodoo Penis my arse ......"
When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St.Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St.Peter,"Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
There were these two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through the hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and the giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to
do it again ?"
He asks her, "Shall we ?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head !"
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One
of them was washing her and noticed that there was a response on
the monitor when she touched her muff.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as
this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the
coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his
pants, and said, "I think she choked."
A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals.
He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also.
Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man
is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.
"Sorry," says the taller man. "I'm not gay or anything, but you have
the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!"
"Well," says the little man, "That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL
Leprechauns have penises this size!"
The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine
were that long."
"Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your
wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you,
I'll give you your wish!"
"Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----Aw hell with it, OK!"
Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away.
"Say," says the Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?"
Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so
ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."
"Imagine that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in
Leprechauns!"
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