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There are lots of sick and twisted jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
A bloke comes home from work on Friday, walks in his house and says "It’s the weekend, tomorrow, me, you and the dog, we’re all going fishing!"
The wife says "Every Friday for the last 10 years you’ve walked in and said we’re going fucking fishing, well I’m fucking fed up with fishing, I’m not fucking going!!"
"Fair enough" says the husband, "A quick one up the Gary or a blow job and you don’t have to go"
"I’ll give you a blow job then" says the wife.
She bends down and starts to suck his cock, "eeerrrggghhh your cock tastes like shite"
"Aye, the dog didn’t want to come either"
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a
heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Ha!. We took an asshole
out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work tomorrow.
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine.
I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick!
It’s damned good though - it does everything .......... KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, crisps ........
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably getting pissed with his mates."
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old
If so...........................you’ll love this one:
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental school diploma,which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy, with the same name, had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Fairview High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a bulldog," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely....
Then, that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat ass,
grey-haired,
decrepit
son-of-a-bitch asked,
"What did you teach ???"
A man went to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor said,
"You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have
waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man was distraught and wonders how he to tell his wife. Well,
he told her and she took it pretty well.
"This is going to be a night that you will always remember,"
"I am going to treat you like a king." she replied.
She prepared a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.
After dinner she slipped away and returned in the most incredible
negligee the man had ever seen. She lead him into their bedroom.
They made the most passionate love they have ever made. The man was
beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing
she kept her promise.
Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock......
He knows that he is doomed.
He taps her..."Sweetheart?" he whispers.
She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done
she rolls over and he taps her.
She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her
husband’s dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man decides to tap her again.
"Love?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells,
"Oh sure! You don’t have to get up in the morning !"
A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
...and had to sit down while urinating.
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