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There are lots of sexist jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
A man went into a tattoo parlour and asked to have a fifty pound note tattooed on his dick.
The tattoo artist said, "I've had some strange requests, but this one tops the lot.
Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick with a picture of a banknote?"
The man replied. "There are three reasons.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all -- the next time my wife wants to blow fifty quid, she won't have to leave the house!"
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You
may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her
that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done fuck all but moan since you've been here."
A man is in a hotel reception and wants to ask the receptionist a question.
As he turns to go to the desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him
and his elbow pokes her in the tits. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your prick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 214."
A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the
kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared.
"Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."
The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland
hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home
and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter.
In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander.
He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage.
He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a
heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Ha!. We took an asshole
out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work tomorrow.
Compliment her
Respect her
Honour her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Caress her
Love her
Stroke her
Tease her
Comfort her
Protect her
Hug her
Hold her
Spend money on her
Wine and dine her
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Support her
Bring some beers and get your kit off
This is a hole that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
And all the soap from here to hell
Can never get rid of that fucking smell
A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door opens.
In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to
pull down his pants, revealing a monster prick.
To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his
dick into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water
everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams
it into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams
it into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The giant approaches the scared guy having a piss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.
"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?"
"No, I'm afraid I don't,"
"I'm going to shove it up your arse !"
"Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age,
he could still have sex three times a night.
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love
tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can
have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie
in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even
better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can
have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit,
Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin ?"
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
The parents of two young boys are discussing what to do about their sons foul language.
Father eventually comes to a decision.
" Well we have tried everything else"
He says," I guess the only thing left is corporal punishment.
The first little bugger that swears tomorrow will get it".
Early next morning the two boys come downstairs for breakfast.
Father asks the first boy, " What would you like for breakfast son?"
The little boy replies, " I think I'll have some fuckin' eggs".
SMACK! His father nearly knocks the boy off his feet.
He turns to the second boy and asks him what he would like for breakfast.
To which the boy replies, "Well I sure don't want any fuckin' eggs".
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute ?
A: A prostiture can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute ?
A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.
Q: Why do women call it PMS ?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common ?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball ?
A: A man will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: Do you know how the Welsh practice safe sex ?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old.
While alive,the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate.
When they arrived at heaven they were shown to luxurious accomodation, at the end of the
garden was a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the
Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV,
snooker tables and cabaret entertainment.
A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well
attended by lovely bronzed naked women.
The man turned to his wife and said "You dozy cow..........if it wasn't for you and your fucking health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"
A king travels through the desert and discovers a man trapped under a big rock.
He throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man.
The man, grateful as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.
The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "It's done."
The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens.
Next the king says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal.", the sorcerer replies "It's done".
The king, happy as can be, thrusts his sword into his horse and nothing happens.
Finally the king says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "It's done".
The king, overjoyed, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle.
At the drawbridge he meets his old friend Peter, jumps off the horse and declares that he's now immortal.
Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife."
Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens,
then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal. Keeping the best for last he says
"Wait - just look at this" and the king drops his trousers.
Peter looks at the naked king and cries out loud "Well fuck my boots - that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."
A guy was shipwrecked, and ended up on a deserted island.
After wandering around for a few hours, he was captured by the local tribe of cannibals and
taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest, he was taken before the king and told that,
as it was the king's birthday, he would get a chance to live.
His chance was passing three tests in three huts.
The first had a keg of rum inside, he had to drink the keg dry.
The second had a tiger with a sore tooth, he had to remove it.
The third had a woman who had never been satisfied, he had to satisfy her.
With confidence he strode into the first, and about an hour later stumbled out plastered.
"Get me to the next hut! " he yelled.
In the second hut all was quiet, then roars and screams were heard, this was followed by
sudden quiet again.
As he stumbled out of the hut he roars, "OK Goddamnit, now where's that
woman with the sore tooth?"
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What's the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Superman is at a loose end one night an decides to ring a couple of friends to go out for a drink and go on the pull.
So he rings Spiderman but he's too busy spinning webs.
Then he rings Batman.
"Sorry Superman me and Robin are washing the bat mobile tonite."
So he rings Ice Man.
"Sorry Superman I've got a load of icebergs to make tonight they're all melting at the north pole."
So he thinks fuck this I'll go for a fly round the world to pass some time on.
He's flying over some corn fields when he sees Wonder Woman laying stark naked in the field with her legs wide open.
He think's fuck me this is too good of an opportunity to pass
so he flies down in supersonic mode and shags her then flies off before she knows who it was.
Wonder Women gets up and says "Who the fuck was that ?"
The Invisible Man says "I dont know but my arse is killing me !"
What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?
One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a hose pipe?
Darling!
What do women and cow pats have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
What's the difference between a dog scratching the door and a woman scratching the door?
When you let the dog in, it will stop whining.
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on
board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver
fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to
try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver
pulls over.
"Where they going ?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the
driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and
gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a
good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway,
still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left
so now we're going to Alton Towers."
Will Young, Robbie Williams and Kylie are on a night out. They all get pissed and on the way out of a club, Kylie trips over and goes head first into some railings getting her head stuck.
Robbie being a cheeky monkey decides to lift up Kylies skirt and give her one.
When he's finished he grins at Will and says "Your turn now mate".
Will bursts into tears, so Robbie says "What's wrong Will ?".
Will replies, "I'll never fit my head through those railings".
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle,
shouting,
" Your mum's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says,
" I just screwed your mum, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,
" Your mum lovedd it!"
Finally, the guy just can't take it anymore. He looks at the drunk and yells -
" Go Home, Dad! You're Drunk Again!"
A woman went with her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress
disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, prepare him a good, healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially
nice meal for him. Don't burden him with any jobs about the house. Don't discuss your
problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And
most importantly, give him a blow job several times a week. If
you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband
will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor
say?
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says
"Sorry darling but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynaecologist
and I want to stay fresh."
The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while then whispers
"Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"
Who is Schitt?
The lineage is revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnet, married O.Schitt, the owner of
Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children; Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Dip Schitt and Deep Schitt.
Against her parent's wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High School dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens daughters were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". You can correct them.
At the Women's World Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years'
conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him
and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day I saw nothing. But on the third day I saw that he had
cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America
stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer do his washing and that he would have to do it himself. After
the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as
well." The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last
years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his
shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw
nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see
a little bit out of my left eye."
On reaching his seat on the plane a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
When the stewardess asks what they'd like the man requests a cup of coffee, and the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky you lazy bitch."
The stewardess obviously flustered by the parrot's outburst brings back the whisky but inadvertently forgets the man's coffee.
As the man quietly points out the omission regarding his coffee to the stewardess the parrot gulps down his drink and shouts "And while you're at it get me another whisky you useless slut."
Now quite visibly shaken the stewardess comes back with the whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such forgetfulness the man decides the best approach is to be like the parrot. "Look " he says to the tortured airline hostess, "Look. I've asked twice for a cup of coffee you miserable bitch and if you don't get it for me in a hurry I'm going to slap that ample arse and kick your ugly head.
The next thing they know two burly stewards wrench both the man and the parrot out of their seats and they are hurled out of the emergency exit. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says "for someone who can't fly you sure are a lippy bastard."
A young couple are flying to Bali to get married.
Before getting there, the girl says to the
guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too
intimate is because she is very flat-chested. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he
does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a
marriage.
A little later, the guy turned to the girl and said that
he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a
baby. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also
believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy to be honest with each other. They went on to Bali and got
married on the beach. On their wedding night, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's
wedding tackle and the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she recovered the guy said "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint ?
"The girl said "You told me it was just like a baby".
The guy replied "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid," she says.
He's never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them - it's a policeman.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "to tell the truth neither did I until you shined that light on her face."
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they
had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves
would strike the right note; romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the shop assistant
mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sent the gift to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we
go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long
ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been
wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come
in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss
them during the coming year!
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.
A Scotsman an Italian and an Irishman were in an English pub one night,
when the Scotsman says "At my local you buy the 1st drink and the 2nd drink, then they give you the 3rd drink free."
"That's nothing" says the Italian "At home in my country, youa buya the 1st drink they buya you the 2nd drink and you gat a freea pasta meala!"
The Irishman looks up and says "That's nothing in Dublin THEY buy you the 1st drink and the second drink and the 3rd then they take you down the alleyway and give you a damn good fuck!"
"Wow" say the Scotsman and the Italian "Has this happend to you ?"
"No" says the Irishman, "but that's what my sister says"
A man goes to the Doctor's and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole",
give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next
door neighbour's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.
Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and
have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel
and give her a good bonking. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
I then go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night I give the missus
another screw."
Well", said the doctor, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate..."
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