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Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.
“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
God created the mule, and told him,
"You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.
You will eat grass and you lack intelligence.
You will live for 40 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him,
"You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion.
You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him,
"You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot.
You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much.
Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man, and told him,
" You will be the the smartest creature that walks the earth.
You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world.
You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded,"Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused,
the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And it was so - God made Man to live 20 years as a man,
then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the
leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey,
acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional..
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her..
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious, that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put the bloody thing down.
Don’t cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present. . . again.
Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
Saturday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your arse down a gym.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered "Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull:
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey,"but I haven’t got the energy."
"Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull,
"They’re packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there , a cow came by and shat on it.
As the freezing bird lay in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard him singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of this Story:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels,
some climbing up and some merely fooling around.
- The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
- The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but Arseholes!!!!
Ordering Breakfast at the Koreana Hotel, downtown Seoul.
Be warned, you’re going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997". A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G : "Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G : "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G : "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G : "I don’t think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what "judo one toes" means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying "Toast." Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G : "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G : "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G : "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You’re welcome"
Five cannibals get jobs as computer programmers. During his welcome the boss says: "You’re all part
of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company
canteen for something to eat. So don’t trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You’re all working very hard,
and I’m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared
however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You
fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project
Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the
cleaner!"
Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.
She’d almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she’d just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you’d better drop your pick"
So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain’t licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"
The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don’t be BASHFUL,
Unless you’re a fucking queer"
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn’t smiling.
Cos he hadn’t had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn’t raise a stiff.
"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You’re next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you’re so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You’ll have to use your tongue,
My twat can’t take no more!"
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And "cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.
Now Snow White couldn’t do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there’s the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.
There’s one more thing you need to know,
And that’s - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you’re drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up
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