Rude jokes - rude humour from YourJokes

Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!

Paddy ODare

It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring "Red Adare’. Red Adare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red Adare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O’Dare from County Mayo in Ireland.

An Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the oil fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost ?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it’ll cost ya" £10,000" "Great" said the Arab and hung up the phone.

The Arabs waited in the desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden a transit with four Paddys comes roaring over the sand dunes and head straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the transit drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out and stamped the fire out. The Arabs watched with amazement and just a little later the oil rig fire was out. The four Paddys walked to the Arabs and one said...."Wow..that was rough !"

The Arab, while writing the check for £10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money ?"
Paddy Replied: "Well, first off I’m going to buy a new set of brakes for the Transit !"

The Rules

1. The FEMALE always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject change at any time without prior notification.

3. No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all THE RULES she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.

5. The FEMALE is never wrong.

6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did wrong.

7. When rule 6 applies, the MALE must apologise IMMEDIATELY for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The FEMALE can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The MALE must NEVER change his mind without express written consent from the FEMALE.

10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.

12. Under no circumstances must the FEMALE let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The MALE who doesn?t abide by THE RULES can?t take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

16. If the FEMALE has PMT, all THE RULES are null and void.

17. The MALE must not like or be nice to anyone the FEMALE doesn?t.

18. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready. The MALE must be ready at all times.

Good service

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads ...

HAMBURGER: £1;
CHEESEBURGER: £2;
HAND JOB: £3.

He calls to the attractive blonde behind the counter. "Can I help you ?" she asks with a smile.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs ?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
"Well wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."

Answerphones

You really get bored with answering machines....but what if the messages are like the following:

1) Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.

2) Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I’ve already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

3) Hi, I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, its you.

4) Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

5) (Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you’ve reached 555-3456. John is in (sigh) Oh no, he’s out (aah) Yes, he’s in again,(ooh) No he’s out (aah) Why don’t you just leave your name and number and he’ll call you as soon as he... comes.

Class act

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What’s so funny Tony"
"Well Missr, I just saw one of your suspenders."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don’t want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What’s so funny John?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your suspenders."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don’t want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the chalk when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Nick leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well miss, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Dandruff

A blonde is at the hairdressers chatting to the stylist.
"My boyfriend has bad dandruff" she says.
The stylist says "Give him head and shoulders."

The blonde goes quiet.

After a few minutes of deep thought she says. . .

"How do I give him shoulders?"

The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note; romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the young man sent the gift to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Rules from the male side

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, its like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.