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There are lots of rude jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid
?100 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her
husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to London too. I
want to see you live on ?200 a year!"
A girl goes into the doctor's for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a
red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my
boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt,
even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he
notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale
sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he
notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. They are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
(P)=Problem, (S)=Solution
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) (S) (P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction lock cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
(P) Weather Radar hums
(S) Reprogramed Weather Radar with the lyrics.
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night??
A: Hanson.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: What s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
Q: How does a woman know that she is overweight?
A: She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.
Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner??
A: Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!
Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils with no provocation.
3. Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4. Melts if given special treatment.
5. Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6. Yields to pressure applied to certain points.
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones such as diamonds, rubies and sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.
This Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing
how they divide the take from each Sabbath.
The Priest said, "What I do is I draw a line down the center of the room and then throw
the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God's, whatever lands on the right is mine."
The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only
I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God."
The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong.
I take the money and throw it up in the air.
Then I yell, God, Take what you want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......."
There was a guy who worked at a dildo store, and it was his first day on the job. At about 12, the boss wanted to go out for lunch, so he said to the new guy, "I'm going out for lunch. I'm going to review the prices with you so that you won't make a bad sale. Now this is our 9-inch white dildo. It's fifteen dollars."
The new guy says, "Nine inch white, 15 bucks. Got it."
"This is the 11-inch black dildo. It's 25 dollars."
"Eleven inch black, 25 bucks. Got it." So the boss leaves.
A few minutes later, a very elegantly dressed woman walks in. "How much is that dildo there?" she asks the guy.
"Ah, that's our nine inch white dildo, and it sells for 15 dollars."
"What about that black one there?"
"That's our eleven inch black, it goes for about 25 dollars."
"And how much for the plaid one over there?"
"Oh, that's the 12 inch plaid dildo. It's...50 dollars."
The woman looks at the selection again, and decides to buy the plaid. The guy wraps it for her, and she leaves.
A few minutes later, the boss comes back from lunch. "How'd you do?" he asks the guy.
"Oh, great! I got fifty bucks for my thermos!"
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them
to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, can't get a hard on. His depression is
made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend
shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE,
TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a stiffy."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed."
Spend three minutes taking this short quiz consisting of 4 simple questions.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
When tested around 90% of New Labour MPs got all questions wrong.
But many pre-school children got several correct answers.
This conclusively disproves the widely held theory that most New Labour MPs have the brains of a four year old.
A burglar breaks into a home and as soon as he walks in he hears, "Jesus is watching you."
He looks around, and sees nothing. He walks towards the VCR and again he hears,
"Jesus is watching you." He looks up and down and around, and still sees nothing.
He begins to unhook the VCR and again hears, "Jesus is watching you."!
He looks in the corner and sees a parrot in a cage, and asks the parrot,
"Was that you who said that?"
The parrot replies, "Yes"
The burglar asked "What's your name ?"
"Moses."
"What kind of idiot would name a parrot Moses ?"
"The same idiot who would name a Doberman 'Jesus'."
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sits in his office and watches them work.
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a terrible headache."
Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter.
Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Peter:"What were the names of the two people in the Garden of Eden?"
1st nun: "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun: "An apple"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
Finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
A guy who was about to be married shortly was having a discussion with his mate about his
bride-to-be. He said "I'm just not sure about Tracey you know, I mean she SAYS she is a
Virgin and everything but I have these gnawing doubts which I can't quite put my finger on".
His mate says "Well it's a bit late now but at least you will know on your wedding night. If she
calls your wedding tackle a prick she is no virgin, but if she calls it a penis then she probably is".
The wedding night arrives and they are in the bridal suite. She is sitting brushing her hair and
looking into the mirror while he is getting undressed in the background.
He spots her staring and says "What are you looking at darling?"
She blushes and says shyly "Er you sweetheart".
He replies "Anything in particular?"
She responds even more shyly "Well, actually I was looking at your...errm....your penis".
He says "Oh, I am so glad you called it a penis and not a prick".
She answered "What, call that a prick? A prick is twice that size!"
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings.
The guy answers it and a kid standing there says
"Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty.
We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers.
A kid standing there says
"Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim.
We're gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off.
Few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers.
A kid standing there says
"Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart.
Sure enough, after few minutes later the door rings and the father answers.
A kid standing there says
"Hi, I'm Chuck.."
and the father shot him.
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack.
They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to
warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good
workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them
work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache
and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler
to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler,
taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Sarah says, "You'll have to jack off - I have a headache !"
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry,
"Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and
leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the
top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis look loike grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a
few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a bag
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other
hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying another bag.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with
the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry
wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mum.
Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
A: Her navel.
A bright, young, graduate joined the Inland Revenue.
Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit dismayed when he was
assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straight forward and the Rabbi
was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by
having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi", he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings ?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up, and when we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then,
they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he'd go on, in the traditional obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs
from the matzo ?"
"Ah, yes, " replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs
from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the
manufacturer, and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions ?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the
Inland Revenue"
"The Inland Revenue ?" asked the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the Inland Revenue . . . and about once a year, they
send us a little prick like you."
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right
away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a
stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price
to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along,
he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead - with an even uglier woman.
When he asks what's going on, the Scotsman
replies "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake
their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they
see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead.
This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the
Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman.
They ask him how it is he's with this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these god-awful women.
The Irishman replies "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to
look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.
Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself "Fucking income tax"
David Beckham decides to go horse riding.
Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears
to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watching her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle,
he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time
slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact
that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become
entangled in one of the stirrups.
As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why not make the buggers play at night?
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment.
name:
Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss.
They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over
the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.
Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You fucking idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".
This guy lived on his own and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company.
The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. "OK", thought the bloke, "I'll give it a go". So he bought one and took it home.
That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?" But there was no reply. He tried again, "Hey, millipede, wanna come to the pub with me?" Again, no response.
So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided to give it one more try before he took the thing back to the shop.So he took the lid off the box and shouted, "I said I'm going to the pub for a drink do you want to come?"
"For f**k's sake, I heard you the first time" snapped the millipede, "I'm just putting my shoes on."
A man who was to be investigated by the Inland Revenue, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man asked a friend, told him of the conflicting advice, and aked what he should do.
"Let me tell you a story," replied his friend.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night and was told 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
When she asked her best friend, she was told 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel'."
The man said "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IR?"
His friend replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast.
Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he was not going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals.
Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn.
As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head.
As the cow bent down to start in on the fresh hay he had just put in the stall, he kicked it in the head.
He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked them in the head.
He went back to the kitchen and sat down again.
His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since you kicked the chickens, you'll get no eggs
for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you'll get no milk.
And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs." Just then, the father came down the
stairs and nearly tripped on the family cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs.
The boy looked at his mother and asked "Are you gonna tell him or should I?"
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Tony"
"Well Missr, I just saw one of your suspenders."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny John?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your suspenders."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the chalk when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Nick leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well miss, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
Two men both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A nurse greets the two men, tells them she has to prepare them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She asks the first man to sit down on the examination table and take off his clothes, which he does. She then tells him to have a wank
"What!" he says, "What's that all about?"
She replies "It's standard procedure to ensure you have no blockages."
Once done, the nurse tells the second man to sit down on the examination table and take off his clothes. When he is up on the table, the nurse licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him.
Upon seeing this, the first man interrupts, "Hey, what's this? I have to wank, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."
The nurse looks up at the first man and says, "Sorry, but that's the difference between the NHS and BUPA!"
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
Trev walked into the toilet at work and stood having a piss next to Chalkie.
Wondering if the rumours about black men were true he had a glance over at Chalkie's prick.
When he saw the size of it he couldn't help himself and shouted out "My god, Chalkie, that's the biggest prick I have ever seen".
Chalkie said "Look I'll let you in to little secret. Anybody can have one like mine -
all you have to do is tie a house brick around the end and walk around the house for 10 minutes a day".
A few days later Trev met up with Chalkie again.
"Hey Trev", grins Chalkie, "How's your prick ?"
"Well", replied Trev, "I think your trick is starting to work"
"Yeah ?", says Chalkie surprised.
"Well", says Trev, "My prick's turning black already !"
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