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There are lots of rude jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking,
and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid.
Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £100 worth of meat because it was on sale,
and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
"Just last week, she went out and spent £12,000 on a new car," he laments,
"and she doesn’t even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound stupid.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles.
"my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put
about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a prick !"
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven." Go and drink the holy water." The first
nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother’s car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbour’s dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down main street!" The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so terribly funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I pissed in the holy water..."
A catholic bishop went to Rome and was determined to meet the pope.
He went to St Peter’s square and stood at the front of the crowd. He was fortunate enough to see the Pope leaving the Basilica so he tried to attract his attention. The Pope however, stopped just short of him and spoke quietly to a dishevelled and disgusting old tramp before moving on,ignoring the bishop.
Now the bishop thought that the Pope must be a good and caring man who would go out of his way for the poor and down trodden. So the bishop asked the tramp to sell him his rags which he wore the next day in St Peter’s square. The bishop was fortunate enough to see the Pope again and this time the Pope put his arm round the bishop’s shoulder and said.
"Didn’t I tell you to fuck off yesterday!"
A blind man was describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that everything was done for him. “I am placed in the door and told when to jump,” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was asked.
He quickly answered, “The dog’s lead goes slack.”
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favour."
"Yes?"
"I’m sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I’m waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, "Hi, Ray,’?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I’m in a meeting."
Batman arranges a party and invites all the fashionable superheroes.
He is particular friends with Superman, who, as the party reaches its peak,
hasn’t turned up. The night goes on and Superman turns up as the last of the
guests are leaving.
"So what happened, Superman?", asked Batman, upset that his closest acquaintence
missed the party.
"I was flying on my way..", started Superman in a fluster,
"...when I saw Wonderwoman lying naked in her back yard with her legs wide apart.
I’ve always fancied her and guessed that she was expecting me.
I dived down as fast as I could from 30,000 feet to give her a good
rogering there and then"
"I bet she was surprised", said Batman.
"Not half as surprised as the Invisible Man", replied Superman.
A guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much?’
The Hooker replies, "$500 for a hand-job.’
The guy’s jaw drops: "$500 dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!’
The hooker says, "Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?’
"Yes.’
"Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?’
"Yes.’
"And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?’
"Yes.’
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.’
The Guy says, "What the hell? I’ll give it a try.’
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’
The hooker replies, "$1,500.’
"$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.’
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. See that casino just across the street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.’
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up.’
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can’t believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
"How much for some pussy?’
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?’
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?’
"No," the hooker replies............
"but I would if I had a pussy.’
One night, Joe brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.
"How lovely, dear," she said, "what’s the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you." he said simply.
"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
The next night Joe came home with a big box of chocolates and explained
that he wanted to make love to her.
"I’m awfully tired," said his wife. "not tonight."
Every night for a week Joe brought home something, but each time his
wife’s answer was no.
Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around
their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Joe!" she cried. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
© YourJokes 2001 - 2012