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There are lots of offensive jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?
"He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
Batman arranges a party and invites all the fashionable superheroes.
He is particular friends with Superman, who, as the party reaches its peak,
hasn't turned up. The night goes on and Superman turns up as the last of the
guests are leaving.
"So what happened, Superman?", asked Batman, upset that his closest acquaintence
missed the party.
"I was flying on my way..", started Superman in a fluster,
"...when I saw Wonderwoman lying naked in her back yard with her legs wide apart.
I've always fancied her and guessed that she was expecting me.
I dived down as fast as I could from 30,000 feet to give her a good
rogering there and then"
"I bet she was surprised", said Batman.
"Not half as surprised as the Invisible Man", replied Superman.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
In death's agony, he smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
He slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort made his way down the stairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen.
There, spread out the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth.
His aged and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Get off!" she snapped, "they're for the funeral."
Q: How do you know if an Essex Girl has an orgasm?
A: She drops her bag of chips.
Q: Whats the similarity between an Essex Girl and a dogs turd?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up!
Q: Whats the difference between an Essex Girl and a washing machine?
A: You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around for a week.
Q: Why was the Essex Girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 5 years
Q: Whats the differences between an Essex Girl and a fridge?
A: The fridge doesnt fart when you take you meat out of it.
Q: How do you tell when an Essex Girl is having her period?
A: She is only wearing one sock.
Q: What does the label in an Essex Girls knickers say?
A: NEXT!
Mike Tyson, Chris Evans and David Beckham escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket
for them to jump in. The firemen yell to Tyson,"Jump! Jump!
It's your only chance to survive!"
Mike jumps and - SWISH! - the firemen yank the blanket away. Poor guy
slams into the pavement like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to Chris Evans
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says Chris.
"No! It's Tyson we can't stand! We're OK with you."
"OK," says Chris, and he jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket
away, and he is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, Beckham steps to the edge of the roof.
Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yells David.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," Becks says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're
not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the
blanket down on the ground, and back away from it..."
NEWSFLASH!! The British have sent in a top Irish female assassin to kill
Saddam Hussein.
Unfortunately she got anthrax confused with tampax and poisoned the wrong cunt!
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and control towers from around the world:
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's, and Ds, but get it
right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am" the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to
you once?"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f*cking bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f*cking bored, not f*ucking stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've
already notified our caterers......"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign "Speedbird 206"...
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, & good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. When does a woman most want a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. If you slice them very thinly it takes 3 average size men.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes
Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge & go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed & go to the fridge.
A little boy gets up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, muttering to himself, "..and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said,
"That's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a politician into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
A man out shopping bought some new condoms. When he got home his wife who noticed the brand -
"Olympic condoms? - What makes them so special ?" she asked.
"There are three colours", he replied, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asked.
"Gold of course", said the man.
"Really." she said "Why don't you wear Silver - it would be nice if you came second for a change !".
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at
work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from
beneath the sheets. "I'm naked and it's raining cats and dogs."
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she
replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a shotgun!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been
studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can
get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to
go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining," he replied.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters all saying the same thing.
"You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say. Talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married.
Then it was too late!"
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!!!!
A little old lady entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."
"W -Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.....
"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a f**king gritter !"
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically,
if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that
the man's prick is hanging out for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir, are you Aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans
"OHHH GOD. . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"
Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst.
As they're walking along they see a little shack.
They run up to it and knock on the door.
This big, fat, ugly, smelly woman answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I'd rather die in the desert, than fuck you."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed.
The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside.
The women says, "Fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes.
He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob.
He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed.
The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water.
The man calls his friend in and tells him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, he goes to the bar and orders three whiskys.
The cat shouts "I'm not paying"
"I know" says the man "I'm paying."
A little later he comes to the bar again, and orders three whiskeys, "I'm not paying" shouts the cat again, again the man tells him that he is paying.
The man comes to the bar a third time, and again the cat shouts "I'm not paying".
The barman intruiged by this asks the fellow,"Excuse me sir, but why have you come in here with that cat and an ostrich ?"
"Well" says the man, "Before I came in here, I met a genie who said he would grant me any wish. So I asked for a long legged bird, with a tight pussy".
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mum, where do babies come from?
Mum: ... Well dear....a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mum: Jewelery, dear.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
Q: Why did god give men penises?
A: So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead politician in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: How are girls like rocks?
A: The flat ones are better to skip.
Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.
After Michael Jackson's wife had her baby, Michael asked her how long it would be before he could have sex.
She replied "For fuck sake , let the little bastard start walking first !!!!!"
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMT and a pitbull ?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why are hurricanes named after women ?
A. When they come they are wild and wet, but when they go they take your hous and car.
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a job ?
A. After 5 years the job still sucks.
Q. What are the small bumps around a womans's nipples for ?
A. They are Braille for 'suck here'.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises ?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother?" the doctor asked. "You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
When Don first noticed that his prick was growing larger and staying erect longer,
he was delighted, as was Donna.
But after several weeks and nearly nine inches later,
Don became concerned and the couple went to see a doctor.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, although rare,
Don's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" Donna asked anxiously.
"Crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well, yes," said Donna, "You ARE planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them.
The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn't touch him.
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles.
First, one says to the other, "I've never come this way before."
Other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife:You wear briefs, don't you?
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities.
Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the
results:
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent............ 12 Calories
Without her consent........ 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands............ 8 Calories
With one hand.............. 12 Calories
With your teeth.............85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection........... 6 Calories
Without an erection....... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris.. 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary................ 52 Calories
69 lying down..............78 Calories
69 standing up........... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow.............. 216 Calories
Her on top................ 524 Calories
Doggy Style............... 726 Calories
Donkey punch.............. 912 Calories
ORGASMIC:
Real..................112 Calories
False................ 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging........ 18 Calories
Getting up immediately.......36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately................816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are
20-29 years old........ 36 Calories
30-39 years............ 80 Calories
40-49 years.............1124 Calories
50-59 years........... 1972 Calories
60-69 years........... 2916 Calories
70 and over....Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly............ 32 Calories
In a hurry........ 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... ...............1218 Calories
With your spouse knocking at the door................. 5521 Calories
Scenario.
A girl and boy have been having a relationship for about four months. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately,
so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house
I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his place I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???
His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Tony, and I am a S-N-A-G"
Another guy says, "What's that ?"
Tony says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a D-I-N-K."
A girl at the bar asks, "What's that ?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A woman says, "That's nice. My name is Shirley, and I am a W-I-F-E."
Tony says, "A W-I-F-E ? What's a W-I-F-E ?"
She says, "Oh you know, that means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth ?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed ?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the brothel say ?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties ?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame ?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex ?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex ?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
An attractive young woman had finished taking golf lessons from the club pro.
She?d just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
The pain was so intense she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," was her reply.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole."
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
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