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There are lots of offensive jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn.
He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and seeing the severe pain he
is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a
sedative, and a Viagra Pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him,
Doctor?"
"It’ll keep the sheets off his legs."
A vicar is having a bath, and he’s a little down so he decides to, well, you know, "pleasure" himself. So he’s quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he’s just seen. Couple of minutes later, doorbell rings - it’s the window cleaner. Vicar is understanably embarrased, and asks the man how much he owes him.
"50 quid" comes the reply.
"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, 50 quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. Following week, the bishop’s round for his supper and is having a wander "round the vicar’s house, admiring his lovely home.
He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you’ve got there vicar, who does them for you?"
"Guy from the village does them for me, does a great job," replies the vicar
"How much does he charge you?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"
"Fifty quid! Blimey!" says the bishop, "he must have seen you coming!"
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c’. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f’. This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e’s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v’.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou’, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand echozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!
A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That’s right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
There are two blondes playing golf. One tees off and hits a man as he’s walking to the next hole. He immediately clasps his hands over his crotch and falls to his knees in pain.
The two blondes run over and ask him if he is all right. He says that he is fine, but the blondes insist on helping him. They unzip his pants and begin to massage his crotch.
After a while one blonde asks if it feels better, and he says, "That felt good, but my hand still hurts like crazy!"
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."
"That’s nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the crapper for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.
"You think you’ve got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig."
"So what’s the problem ?" ask the other two.
"I don’t wake up until 11:30 !!"
A man goes to his doctor and tells him that he is worried about his wife’s hearing.
"I’m sure she is going deaf doctor. I often ask her questions and she doesn’t hear me. How can I test her hearing without her knowing?"
The doctor thinks for a few seconds and replies,
"The next time you walk into a room and her back is toward you, simply ask her a question in a soft voice and see if she answers. Keep asking the same question until she replies and just ask a little louder each time.
You should be able to gauge her deafness by how loud you have to speak for her to hear you".
Later that afternoon he returns home and walks into the kitchen to find his wife washing dishes with her back toward him. Quietly he asks, "What’s for tea dear?" to which he gets no reply. He tries again. " What’s for tea dear?" Still he gets no reply. He walks closer to his wife and says, a little louder this time, "What’s for tea dear?" At this point his wife spins round and screams into his face, "For the third time, steak and chips you deaf bastard."
A widow put an ad in the paper. It read:
Wanted: A man who won’t beat on me, won’t run out on me, and can make me scream in bed.
A few days after she ran the ad, her doorbell rang.
She opened the door to find a man in a wheelchair.
"May I help you?" the woman asked.
"I am here in response to the ad in the paper. You said you wanted a man who wouldn’t beat on you. I can’t, I don’t have any arms. You said you wanted a man who wouldn’t run out on you. I don’t have any legs, so I can’t."
"Yes...," interrupted the woman, "but if you had read the ad further,
I also said I wanted a man to make me scream in bed."
"I know." he replied. "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
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