Irish jokes - Irish humour from YourJokes

Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!

The Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn’t turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You’re welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You’re joking!" was the response.
"No, I’m not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That’s a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her. He’s naked as well! That bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she’s always been gobby, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand ....."

Q & A

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sex too.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings most likely.

Q: What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
A: Men miss them all.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A Bingo Machine

Peanut in the Ear

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"

The Undertakers

A woman goes into an undertakers to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the funeral director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He says, "Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing ?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and asks him to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, "Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was OK. So...


I switched the heads."

A Letter From A Irish Mother

Dear Paddy

Just a few lines to let you know that I?m still alive. I?m writing this letter slowly because I know you can?t read very fast. You won?t recognise the house when you get back, we have moved.

About your father, he has started a new job with over 2,500 people under him, he?s cutting the grass in the cemetery. There was a washing machine in the new home when we moved in but I don?t think it is working properly. I put in two of your fathers shirts, pulled the chain and haven?t seen them since.

I have just heard that your sister has had a baby, but I don?t know if it is a boy or a girl so I can?t tell you if you?re an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle Paddy Jr drowned last week in a vat of whiskey. All his work mates at the Dublin Brewery tried to save him but he fought them of very bravely. They cremated his body and took three days to put out the fire.

I went to the Doctors last week and your father came with me. The doctor put a tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 15 minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him offering him £200. It only rained twice last week, first for 3 days and second for 4. I wanted to put £10 in with this letter, for you to have a pint on me but your father already sealed the envelope. Hope to hear from you soon.

Your loving mother

XXX

Sara Pipalini

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren"
And *poof* she’s gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna"
And *poof* she’s gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the ’Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

In the desert

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they’re walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, ugly, smelly woman answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I’d rather die in the desert, than fuck you."
The second man wants to live and agree’s to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside.

The women says, "Fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water.

The man calls his friend in and tells him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

10 Year Old Blues

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don’t want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won’t tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There’s no Easter Bunny" speech.
At seven, I got the "There’s no Tooth Fairy" speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the "There’s no Santa" speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for."