Irish jokes - Irish humour from YourJokes

Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!

Whistful thinking

One morning Gordon took a pair of underpants out of the drawer.

"What the ... ?" he asked himself as a little dustcloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Sarah," he hollered, "why did you put talcum powder in my underpants?"

"It’s not talcum powder," she shot back. "It’s Miracle Grow."

Mad Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to top speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma’am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable stiffy.

"Oh, shit" cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again!"

CHAIN REACTION

Once upon a time there was a fly flying six inches above some water in a river. Out of nowhere a bass came along and saw the fly that was flying six inches above the water and said, "I wish that fly would drop four inches so I can jump up out of the water and eat the fly."

Then come along a bear and he saw what was going on and then he said,

"I wish that fly would only drop four inches, so the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so I could grab and eat the bass."

Not long after that had happened a hunter came along and saw everything that was going on and said, "I wish that fly would just drop four inches so that the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so the bear could go over and catch and eat the bass, so I could shoot the bear and have a nice trophy."

A few minutes later a mountain lion stops behind a bush and sees what is going on and says,

"I wish that fly would just drop four inches so the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so the bear could go over and catch and eat the bass, and the hunter could shoot the bear, so I could jump out of this bush and land on the hunter and eat him."

All of a sudden the fly drops four inches so the bass jumps and eats the fly, the bear grabs and eats the bass, the hunter shoots the bear, and the mountain lion jumps over the hunter and lands right in the water.

And the moral of the story is: WHEN THE FLY DROPS, THE PUSSY GETS WET.

Granny

A family had the grandmother living with them. They loved having her around, but got to the stage where they felt they couldn’t look after her as well as she deserved. After much soul searching, they looked for and found a wonderful nursing home. They took the grandmother along, and left her for a day to see how she liked it.

She chatted to the existing residents, the staff, etc. It seemed good. She was delighted to be sat on the patio looking at the wonderful gardens, talking to residents & staff, playing bridge and being treated to tea, biscuits, snacks, etc.

Whilst sitting there, she slowly started to lean to the left. The staff immediately came along, straightened her up, and asked if she was OK. She insisted she was.

Ten minutes later, she slowly started to lean to the right. Again the staff came along, straightened her up and enquired if she was OK with the old lady insisting everything was fine.

This happened a number of times throughout the rest of the day. At teatime, the lady’s family turned up and asked her how the day had went.

"Ooh its lovely here, I really like it" she said, "Mind you, they won’t let you fart!"

The Rooster

An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.

"So they’re trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I’ve got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don’t you ? Well I’m not ready for the chopping block yet.I’ll bet I’m still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We’ll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You’re on," said the young rooster, " and since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap, I’ll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time around, by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the new rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself... "Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month."

Password

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O’Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied

"Bejazus! are yez feckin’ stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital"

Sportsmans Double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

"What’s that?" I asked.

"It’s a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"

THE MOUSE RAN UP THE CLOCK ADULT VERSION

Hickory Dickory dock
Some slut was suckin my cock
Her hair got tangled
The bitch was strangled
But at least she swallowed the lot!!!!