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There are lots of Irish jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
A man goes to his doctor and tells him that he is worried about his wife's hearing.
"I'm sure she is going deaf doctor. I often ask her questions and she doesn't hear me. How can I test her hearing without her knowing?"
The doctor thinks for a few seconds and replies,
"The next time you walk into a room and her back is toward you, simply ask her a question in a soft voice and see if she answers. Keep asking the same question until she replies and just ask a little louder each time.
You should be able to gauge her deafness by how loud you have to speak for her to hear you".
Later that afternoon he returns home and walks into the kitchen to find his wife washing dishes with her back toward him. Quietly he asks, "What's for tea dear?" to which he gets no reply. He tries again. " What's for tea dear?" Still he gets no reply. He walks closer to his wife and says, a little louder this time, "What's for tea dear?" At this point his wife spins round and screams into his face, "For the third time, steak and chips you deaf bastard."
A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.
"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss.
"In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it.
When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again,
"I did what you said, boss.I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by
advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model
working in a nearby Manchester studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for
Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.
"There's just one problem" explains the model
" because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris
"we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room,
in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good" says the model " that being settled,
I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst
Doris prepares the bath for the model.
After stripping off the model steps into the bath and
Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair.
The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her
job to shave especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returns Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris
"look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly
open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model.
As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains,
and points towards the model's naked pussy.
Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris
" but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?"
"Yes" says Fred "I have....but the rest of the fucking darts team haven't."
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work
when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you !"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, ripped her knickers off and gave her one there and then.
When he finished he started putting his clothes on and saw his wife still writhing around against
the door
"What's wrong ? Didn't you come ? Do you want more ?"
His wife said, "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my arsehole !!"
A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bedside lamp on to read a book.
As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her fanny.
He did this for only a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.
The wife eventually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.
She got up and started dancing naked in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing ?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my fanny I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight".
The husband said, "No, not at all".
The wife then asked, "Well, then what the hell were you doing then ?"
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
There's an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says:" I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!
The Scotsman says:"That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as didn't even know she drank!"
With that the Irishman says:"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's the other day when I found a packet of condoms.
I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"
At the Bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
An English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up,
except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-arse at the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion ?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When order is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head,
and sweetly says,
"In your case, you'll just have to show up anyway -- you can write with your other hand."
Ben has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start kissing and he's getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"No way!" she says. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose,
wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong ? !" she cries.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"
A widow put an ad in the paper. It read:
Wanted: A man who won't beat on me, won't run out on me, and can make me scream in bed.
A few days after she ran the ad, her doorbell rang.
She opened the door to find a man in a wheelchair.
"May I help you?" the woman asked.
"I am here in response to the ad in the paper. You said you wanted a man who wouldn't beat on you. I can't, I don't have any arms. You said you wanted a man who wouldn't run out on you. I don't have any legs, so I can't."
"Yes...," interrupted the woman, "but if you had read the ad further,
I also said I wanted a man to make me scream in bed."
"I know." he replied. "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the
administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start
working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct
protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the
workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to
live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people,
teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One
thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.
"Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!"
One day, the wife of one of the tribes's noblemen gave birth to a white
child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by
his people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women
gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that
has ever set foot in our village. I know what you've done!"
The missionary replies: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken.
What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK IN
YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one
black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you what - you
don't say
anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the kid."
A girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother.
"But then when I have a baby won't it knock all my teeth out?"
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "Line me up ten whiskies"
So the barman lines them up and the man gulps them down one after another.
"Jeez" says the barman "What are you celebrating then?".
"My first blow job" replies the man.
"Oh well" says the barman "for that I'll buy you one myself."
"No thanks" says the man "If ten doesn't get rid of the taste, another one wont help."
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All
of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice
the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in
all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime
I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel
it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they
feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing',
and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord said, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
You really get bored with answering machines....but what if the messages are like the following:
1) Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
2) Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
3) Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, its you.
4) Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
5) (Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in (sigh) Oh no, he's out (aah) Yes, he's in again,(ooh) No he's out (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he... comes.
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her fanny.
The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my pussy!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow it out."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, slipped it into young lady. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed
The young lady began to quiver with excitemet, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"
A sixteen year old boy goes along to the chemists one day and asks for some condoms.
The chemist says he looks very young for that kind of thing and asks what on earth would
he want with such things. The boy replies that he has been seeing a girl for a few weeks
and things are starting to hot up and that night he is going to her parents house for
dinner, and after dinner they are going up to her room where he is going to screw her
every style from missionary to doggy and back again.
The chemist sells the boy the condoms and off he goes.
That night he rings on his girlfriends door and she answers, brings him into the dining
room where her parents are sitting at the table, immediatly the boy sits at the table
and buries his face in his hands and starts saying grace. 1 minute passes then 2, and
finally 5 minutes pass when the girlfriend leans over and whispers in his ear,
"I didn't know you were so religous"
The boy replies "I didn't know your father was the chemist"
One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails,
they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out,
"Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!"
Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain
decorum is required.
"You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow"
- not some filth you picked up in the City," he says.
A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"
The adults share a knowing grin.
Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*.
A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know...".
"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He's fucking the horse!"
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold.
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
So he did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
"My prick is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a prick?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies,
"Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing violently.
Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker,
and tosses it out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a fella with his 10 year old daughter
chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the
windscreen, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what was that?"
Not wanting embarrassing questions,the father replies, "It was only a bug."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and
after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it !
A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high,
voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square ?"
In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey
sista, that's kinda a long drive ? You mind if we, like, chat ?"
The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind ?"
The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin'it ?"
The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand."
The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?"
The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it."
The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"
The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no children."
The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why do youse come on up here...I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."
The nun looks around...they are awfully far away from where anyone
would recognize her...at the next light she gets into the front with
the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of
the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear.
As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh.
The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous ?"
The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids."
And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response,
"Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
So his two best friends, Dermot and Tony, were sent for. Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Dermot said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Dermot looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Tony to identify the body Tony took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over. " The mortician rolled him over and Tony looked down and said "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Tony said "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went into town, folks would say
"Here comes Paddy with them two assholes"
An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting
down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said,
"I believe it is the process of thought, it comes to one in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I think blinking is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. " I am sure
Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you
get instant light"
After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid
points but I think diarrhoea wins !"
"What the feck are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three other guys.
"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry
house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness,
I then retired to bed. However at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or
turn the light on, I shat myself !"
Dave the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court.
He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician
exclaimed that he could arrange for Dave the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Dave the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Horatio the
Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins
for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking
a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown that only the saliva of Dave the Dragon Slayer had present the
antidote to cure the itch. King Arthur quickly summoned Dave the Dragon
Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Dave the Dragon Slayer the
antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and
for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and
magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Dave
the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Dave the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now
satisfied, Dave the Dragon Slayer could not have cared less, and knowing
that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed
him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned
Dave the Dragon Slayer...
MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills
On their 25th anniversary a couple took a second honeymoon at the same hotel.
As they reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what went through your mind ?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry".
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now ?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that is so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over"
Man: "That"s not so bad, what's the big deal?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain"
Man: "So then what happened?"
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over"
Man: "Again? So what did you do then?"
Farmer: "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right"
Man: "And then what."
Farmer: "I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail"
Man: "Wow, you must have been pretty upset"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain"
Man: "So then what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my trousers fell down and my wife walked in"
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks
him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning
before she goes to work, we make love...
At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.
In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man
could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand.
It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
A new farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, shags them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the
woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day sheep shagging and upon returning home, falls exhausted into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says,......
"they're all in the lorry ... and one of them is beeping the horn."
Murphy gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from upstairs.
He rushes up and finds his wife naked on the bed, panting and sweating.
"What's up?"
"I'm having a heart attack." she gasps.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone but his 4-year-old son tugs his arm and
says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick is hiding in your wardrobe."
So Murphy slams down the phone, rushes back upstairs and opens the wardrobe door.
Sure enough his brother Mick is hiding inside stark bolluck naked.
"You bastard!" shouts Murphy "There's my wife having a heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
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