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Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the
beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky
was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a
perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm
from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the
Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued
her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was
well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze;
perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the
young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
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Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex can make your day but anal sex can make your hole weak.
When Ron first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches and Ron became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, even walking, so he and his wife went to see a doctor.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained that, though rare, Ron’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ron be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you’re gonna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the
pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They’re bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They’re Carols".
Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A: They don’t have time.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q: Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair?
A: Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Attila the Hun, and a politician, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the politician twice.
Q: How are women like parking spaces?
A: The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It’s going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies, "Quick, I need Ibuprofen."
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can’t put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It’s not for that, it’s for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what?"
"The girls never showed up!"
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though."
"What’s that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was in Asda?"
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right
away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a
stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price
to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along,
he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead - with an even uglier woman.
When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman
replies "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake
their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they
see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead.
This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the
Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman.
They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women.
The Irishman replies "I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining.
This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to
look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand.
Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself "Fucking income tax"
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