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Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
After Quasimodo’s death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don’t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! There’s more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don’t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...
Wait
Wait
"he’s a dead ringer for his brother."
A man brings home a cock sucking frog and gives it to his wife.
She asks "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that"
So he replies "Teach it to cook, then fuck off"
A sixteen year old boy goes along to the chemists one day and asks for some condoms.
The chemist says he looks very young for that kind of thing and asks what on earth would
he want with such things. The boy replies that he has been seeing a girl for a few weeks
and things are starting to hot up and that night he is going to her parents house for
dinner, and after dinner they are going up to her room where he is going to screw her
every style from missionary to doggy and back again.
The chemist sells the boy the condoms and off he goes.
That night he rings on his girlfriends door and she answers, brings him into the dining
room where her parents are sitting at the table, immediatly the boy sits at the table
and buries his face in his hands and starts saying grace. 1 minute passes then 2, and
finally 5 minutes pass when the girlfriend leans over and whispers in his ear,
"I didn’t know you were so religous"
The boy replies "I didn’t know your father was the chemist"
Linford Christie walks into the reception of a golf course and asks to play a round of golf. The receptionist looks around nervously and seeing the coast is clear says to him, "I’m really sorry but the owner here is really racist and if he sees you in here he’ll give you a load of abuse. I suggest you try the course just 10 minutes away, down the road".
Linford is furious and says, "Do you know who I am. I’m Linford Christie the sprinter. I raced for England, I used to be the fastest man on the planet".
The receptionist says, "OK, it’s five minutes away then".
Man takes a deer home and cooks it.
Kids ask what it is.
He says it’s what mummy calls me sometimes.
Little girl shouts "Dont eat it, its a fucking arsehole"
AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a "black box’.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you’re too pissed to remember where you
live, how you got there, and where you’ve come from.
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra - i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually fuck all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
"Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa!Aa!Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got four buttocks.
STARFISH TROOPER OR ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming
from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What’s going on?"
He says, "That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings,
and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomized."
She says, "That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that."
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years when by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts in.
Some time later she heard her husband wake and let rip the usual trouser trumpet which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Hou were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
© YourJokes 2001 - 2010