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There are lots of gross jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.
Q: Why did God make man first?
A: He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don t have balls to scratch.
Q: What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy?
A: A woman.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on honeymoon
to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,
climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,
entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by
a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out
and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came
back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn
more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving
so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would
hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back
out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible ! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer ?"
"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
Cherie Blair died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Cherie, "Who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's George Washingtons's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that he only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Cherie asked, "Where's Tony's clock?"
"Ahhh - Tony's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a desk fan."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads ...
He calls to the attractive blonde behind the counter. "Can I help you ?" she asks with a smile.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs ?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
"Well wash your hands," he says, "I want a cheeseburger."
In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of
the Irish countryside.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who
the golfing pro is. "Good mornin' to yerz, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees
fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the
attendant."They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?"
inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"
Tony Blair was going on a trip around schools, and walked into a
classroom discussion about tragedies. He asked the children if they could
come up with an example of a tragedy.
Little Annie put up her hand and said "If I spill my drink on my dress,
that would be a tragedy".
Tony Blair thinks for a minute, then shakes his
head. "No Annie, that would be an accident, but it wouldn't be a tragedy".
Then Cedric puts up his hand and says "If my rabbit died, that would be
tragedy".
Tony Blair thinks for a while and then shakes his head again.
"No Cedric, I think that would be a sad loss, but it wouldn't be a
tragedy".
"Oh please sir, please sir .." calls out Little Johnny. "If a bomb went
off in Downing Street and killed all the Cabinet, that would be a tragedy".
"Yes Johnny", says TB. "And why do you think that?"
"Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it wouldn't be a sad loss".
The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified she wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry Your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors' orders. His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he has been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a very real danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a nubile young nurse was giving patient a blow job.
"Oh my", said the Queen,"What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA"
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming
from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings,
and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up so she went shopping and
picked up a pair of crotchless panties.
She went home and donned the new panties and selected a short skirt to go with them. She
greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him sipping a glass of wine.
She slowly spread her legs..."Would you like some of this?"
"No way !! Look what it's done to your knickers !!"
Two pregnant women sat knitting one turns to the other and says
"I hope mine's a boy because I've bought blue wool"
The other woman replies "I hope mines a spastic because I've fucked up the arms"
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the stupid jar open!"
A little rabit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and
says "My friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the
forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at
the rabbit, looks at the joint, tosses it away and takes off running
with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing cocaine. So the rabbit says "My
friend, why do you do this? Think about your health, come running with
us through the pretty forest and you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The
elephant looks at the razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and
starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up heroin and
the rabbit says "My friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you'll feel so
good!" The lion looks at the rabbit, puts down the needle and starts to
beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in
horror, they look at the lion and say "Lion, why do you do this? He was
merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little bugger makes me run around the forest
like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
A guy in a pink shirt minces into a gay bar and looks around weighing up the talent.
He spots a well built scouser having a quiet drink at the bar, sidles up to him, nudges him gently and whispers "Can I take you into the gents and give a blow job ?"
The scouser spins round, punches him in the nose, kicks him in the bollucks, picks him up and throws him through the bar window.
"Bloody hell scouse" says the barman, "What was all that about?"
"I dunno - he said something about a job!"
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother ***kers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink
10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves.
30 minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...first I had to go to Murphy's pub down the street to see if I could do it.".
1 Start shagging your wife doggy style
2 Lean over and grab both of her tits
3 Whisper in her ear "You?re not as good as your sister"
4 Try to hold on for at least eight seconds.
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either." "
Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a smack on the asre. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank fuck for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked
the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling
out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is
fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the
bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my
neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! That bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been gobby, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot
his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think
I can save you a grand ....."
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he's lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman
below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30
feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between
59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I
have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You
have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The
fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight
Only $5.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds.' The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself."
He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" -- to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating: "If I can catch you, I can have you!"
George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You
definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!", George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms folded behind his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinski, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!
Two old age pensioners are having a 69.
After 5 minutes he says "Sorry luv the smell's too bad down there - I can't carry on."
"That'll be my athritis" she says.
"What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in thier fanny before."
No she says "It's in my arms and hands... and I can't wipe me arse."
Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A: The penis.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Q: Why won't sharks attack politicians?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: Why do women skydivers wear tampons?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar.
He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6' 2", weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6'5", weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out
as a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do housing estate.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner
if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge ?"
The blonde after looking about, said, "How about 50 quid ?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that
she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said
to her husband "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around
the house?"
The man replied: "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think
she's dumb ?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' jokes."
Some time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the five ten pound notes.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Jaguar."
Indian chief decided it was time to give his 3 sons their adult names as they had reached manhood. So he gathered them in to his tent, together with the elders of the tribe.
He turns to the 1st son, "Son, you will be called Eagle. "
The 3rd son interrupts, "Father, father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time my son", replies the Chief.
He continues, "you will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise."
The Elders agreed.
He then turns to the 2nd son, but the 3rd son says "Father,father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time, my son" he replies.
He then continues to the 2nd son, "Son you will be called Swallow".
The 3rd son says again "Father, father, what will I be called?".
"All in good time my son" comes the reply.
He then continues, "you will be named Swallow because you are quick and cunning."
The Elders agree.
He then turns to the 3rd son who is asking, "Father Father,what will I be called?"
"Son, you will be called Thrush."
"Why is that father?" he asked excitedly.
"Because you are an irritating cunt."
"What's it to be?", asks the barmaid.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..................", says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman, "Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui
gui......"
Up steps the Scotsman. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th.............."
"Bugger this," says the barmaid and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", says the Englishman.
"Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui", says the Irishman.
"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th", says the Scotsman.
"Look," says the barmaid, who loves a bet and was sure that no one
would win. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll let you take me
upstairs ".
"So," she says turning to the Englishman, "where do you live?"
"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No, you lose," says the barmaid.
Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live?" she asks.
"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin."
"No, you lose," says the barmaid.
"And where do you live?" she asks the Irishman.
"London," says the Irishman.
"Oh bugger " thinks the barmaid as great cheer goes up in the pub.
So she reluctantly takes the Irishman by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips off and spreads on bed.
The Irishman climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke he suddenly
screams out
"...............- D D D D D D D D Derry!!"
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by a car.
As she is lying on the ground, the driver, rushes out
of the car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says,tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her
eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up ?"
"Ah fukkin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed
from the waist down an all!!!"
A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local
golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.
The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The
golf pro says, "Not bad. Now hold your club as firmly as you hold
your wife's breast." The man follows instructions and hits the ball
300 yards. The golf pro says,"Excellent !"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. The golf
pro says,"Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your
husband's manhood." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
"Not bad," says the golf pro, "Now try taking the club out of your mouth."
The old couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman
said to his wife, "Just think we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "but we were probably sitting here
stark naked fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we strip off ?"
So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady said,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."
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