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There are lots of funny adult jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for is
life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the
farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.
Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to
save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny
BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After
tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly
forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks
later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the
horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his 'thing' and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
A Scottish couple were planning their honeymoon in 1925.
They decided to go on a tour of Canada to visit their relatives and see the sights.
During the tour they visited an Indian reservation.
In the middle of the reservation there was a teepee with a sign advertising a memory man.
The sign read "The amazing memory man knows everything and forgets nothing".
The Scotsman decides to try this out and steps inside.
He greets the young brave "How".
The brave points to a jar full of $20 bills and says "If you ask me a question I can't answer you get the jar.
If I answer it you put $20 in the jar".
The Scotsman figures he can beat him and asks "Who won the Scottish FA cup in 1878 ?"
The indian thinks for a minute and says "Vale of Leven beat Third Lanark 1-0"
The Scotsman is truly amazed at this correct answer and pops his 20 bucks in the jar.
The couple return to Scotland and live a full and happy life for 50 years.
For their golden wedding celebrations they decide to retrace their tour of Canada.
After visiting their relatives they once again end up at the reservation.
They are amazed to see that the teepee of the memory man is still there.
"Wonder if he will remember me ?" says the Scotsman.
So he goes into the teepee and says "How".
The indian replies "Penalty in the 52nd minute"
One day, a young pregnant woman was in a bank when it was robbed.
During the robbery, she was shot three times in the stomach.
She was rushed to the hospital where doctors saved her life.
As she was leaving, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor said, "Oh! You're going to have triplets.
They're all fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach.
Don't worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
As time went on the woman had three children.
Two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls came up to her mother and said, "Mummy, I've done a very weird thing!"
Her mother asked her what happened and her daughter replied, "I passed a bullet into the toilet."
The woman comforted her and explained all about the accident at the bank. A few weeks later, her other daughter came up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing!"
The mother said, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right ?"
The daughter looked up from her teary eyes and said, "Yes. How did you know ?"
The mother comforted her child and explained about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy came up and said, "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was wanking and I shot the dog."
A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer & dryer but there is no price listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, "Five pounds for both of them."
"Yeah right, you've got to be joking!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five pounds for the system, including installation" the salesman says.
"Is it stolen?" the man asks incredulously.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Certainly," the man says. He looks around some more. As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... I'm doing to his business!"
On their way to get married a couple has a fatal car accident.
The couple are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter turn up to register them.
While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit around for a couple of months and begin to
wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal
aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together
forever ?"
St. Peter returns after another month, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," say the couple, "but what if things don't work out ?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaim the frightened couple.
"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up
here ! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a
lawyer ?"
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and arse are interchangeable."
Apparently true letters to Islington Council's Housing Department:
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
9. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
10. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.
16. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.
Five cannibals get jobs as computer programmers. During his welcome the boss says: "You're all part
of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company
canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared
however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You
fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project
Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the
cleaner!"
Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out.
One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.
"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says.
Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his 'member'.
Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.
A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"
The admirals daughter finally persuaded her father to allow her to marry the able seaman. The admiral was still worried about his decision some months later so he warned his daughter
"Now some of these sailors have strange desires. Whatever you do don't give in to any requests he might make to let you have sex 'the other way'"
"Really father !" replied his daughter "Our sex life is our business and for your information we are very happy." Her fathers remarks had got her wondering though so later that night she said to her husband "Do you ever feel like having sex 'the other way' lover."
"Jesus - No Way!" yelled her husband "Next thing you know the house would be full of bloody kids."
A man went to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor said,
"You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have
waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man was distraught and wonders how he to tell his wife. Well,
he told her and she took it pretty well.
"This is going to be a night that you will always remember,"
"I am going to treat you like a king." she replied.
She prepared a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.
After dinner she slipped away and returned in the most incredible
negligee the man had ever seen. She lead him into their bedroom.
They made the most passionate love they have ever made. The man was
beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing
she kept her promise.
Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock......
He knows that he is doomed.
He taps her..."Sweetheart?" he whispers.
She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done
she rolls over and he taps her.
She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her
husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man decides to tap her again.
"Love?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells,
"Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning !"
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whisky.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks ?"
"But of course," the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman."
Anxious to know more, the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar.
She undresses and, full of expectation, lies down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you !" the man then shouts at the dog, "I'll show you how to do it one last time."
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's
crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief
case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an
Inland Revenue ID badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes..."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a person from the Inland
Revenue"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a
gonner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with
jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams."
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and
precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful
women will want and need me."
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the Inland Revenue offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He
gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices
this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing
it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it
must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering where to hide his weapons next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no FECKIN way we can feed two million prisoners."
Santa didn't have time to visit Asia this year so he just gave them a wave as he he passed
Fairy Liquid have donated a million bottles of detergent to the tsunami appeal, they heard that there were a lot of Asians washing up on the beaches.
Ellen Macarthur's bid to circumnavigate the globe in record time has failed...
She was beaten by a Sri Lankan on a deck chair
A German tourist is found wandering on the beaches of Phuket, Thailand the day after the tsunami. A TV reporter from the BBC goes to him and ask "Hi, excuse-me, are you looking for someone?"
"Yes a little boy, age 10"
"Oh my God. This is so sad. What's his name?"
"Don't care, any will do"
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline on your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years,
and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.
So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.
"So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster,
"I've got to do something about this.
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town?,
I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you ?
Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it,
I challenge you to a race around that hen house.
We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for
the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster, "
and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap,
I'll still win easy."
So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with
all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the
roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still
maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is
still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around,
by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to
the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old rooster.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the new rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself...
"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Stacy says: "When I grow up,I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the F*ck did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Stacy repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant..."
Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried.
You've known this priest a long time. What would he give for committing buggery ?
Choirboy 2: Two chocolate bars.
Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking...............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Educated...................Was fucked to bits at Uni'
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
40-ish.............................................49
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle...........................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned..........................No BJs or anal
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social.....................Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Widow........................................Murderer
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time.
She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor.
Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and
he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real
fass away from me across the froor".
She crawled to the other side of the room and
Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of
Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see!
That why you haf sex probrem".
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what
Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking,
and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid.
Last week she went to the supermarket and bought ?100 worth of meat because it was on sale,
and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
"Just last week, she went out and spent ?12,000 on a new car," he laments,
"and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound stupid.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles.
"my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put
about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a prick !"
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore.
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace.
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace.
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Before your fat and naked body makes me bend over and heave.
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're half cut.
I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all 'cos of that fucking evil drink that we call beer.
You can Sod your beer goggles, shit I must have been blind,
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared.
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water.
It's time to go, run out the door.
She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor.
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-lics curse.
Once upon a time there was a shepherd tending his sheep at the edge of a country road
in rural Wales. A brand new Range Rover screeched to a halt next to him.
The driver, a young man dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban glasses and a
Tag-Heuer watch jumped out and asked the shepherd
"If I guess how many sheep you have will you give me one of them ?"
The shepherd looked at the young man, then looked at the sprawling herd of grazing sheep
and said o.k.
The young man parked the Range Rover, connected his notebook and wireless modem, entered a
NASA site, scanned the ground using satellite imagery and a GPS, opened a database and 60
Excel tables filled with algorithms, then printed a 150 page report on his high-tech mini
printer. He turned to the shepherd and said "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here".
The shepherd answered "Say, you're right. Go ahead and pick out a sheep".
The young man took one of the animals and put it in the back of his vehicle.
As he was preparing to drive away the shepherd looked at him and asked
"Now if I guess your profession will you pay me back in kind ?"
The young man answered "Certainly".
The shepherd said immediately "You are a consultant".
"Exactly - but how did you know ?" asked the young man.
"Very simple" replied the shepherd.
"First you came here without being invited.
Secondly you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew.
Thirdly you don't understand anything about my business - and I'd really like to have my dog back".
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside ?
A: K9P.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy ?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard ?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game ?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit ?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common ?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive ?
A: Because it scares the shit out of the dog.
A man went into in to a clock repairers renowned for its' drop dead gorgeous woman assistant. He walked up to the assistant and slapped his todger down on the counter.
The assistant took one look at his prick and said "Excuse me sir but this is a clock repairers not a cock reairers."
"I know," he replied, "but I want two hands and a face on this right away!!"
One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond.
He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.
The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw,
hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond.
There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in.
This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond.
There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond.
It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it,
then SPLASH - he fell in.
The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!
One day at Infants' school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50p to
the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It was Saint Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It was Saint Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther, come up here and I'll give you your 50p."
As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you
being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Esther replied, "I know - in my heart it is Moses, but business is business."
A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots if other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass. "Hey," he called out. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us, " they all cried out.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.
It tasted so good.
"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said, "you see that field over there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted. "They are wonderful" he told his new friends.
Much later, he asked them again: "What else do you do?" "You see that field there in the distance? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well".
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce.
"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came close to him and spoke softly:
"There is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said "They're girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back to his male friends. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of the asked.
"I'm sorry. I had a great time. Believe me, but I can't".
The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.... I'm dying for a smoke."
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