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There are lots of funny adult jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
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Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
Mary had a little snatch,a teeny tiny hole.
Johnny couldn’t fit it in, his massive manly pole.
He greased her up, squirmed and shoved, and pinched her little tit,
But nothing seemed to work for him, the damn thing would not fit!
So Mary drank a lot of wine, and smoked a little grass,
And just as she was passing out, he shoved it up her ass!
A chap asks a prostitute for a shag and she tells him it’s $20. "Fine" he says,
"but I’m a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn’t do anything violent.
They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.
"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.
The prostitute is worried that she’s getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request.
Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly.
Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes duck call whistle from his pocket.
"Blow on this while I’m shagging you" he tells her.
So he’s banging away at her from behind while she’s bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle.
Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she’s ever had.
After they’ve finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I’ve had in 25 years on the game,
how the hell did you make it so good?"
"Ah," he replies, "Four spring Duck Technique"
A man brings home a cock sucking frog and gives it to his wife.
She asks "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that"
So he replies "Teach it to cook, then fuck off"
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They’s all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn’t ... but you know what a liar he is.
A man who had just bought a new Mercedes turned on the radio and nothing happened.
Furious, he stamped back into the garage and yelled "When I buy a £50,000 car I expect the damn radio to work."
The salesman explained to him that the radio had been programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.
He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie Nelson started singing.
"Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning.
"Easy listening," he remarked, and at once it sounded like he was in a supermarket.
He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a car cuts him up.
He controls his temper but before he knows it another driver cuts him up.
"Useless stupid cunts!" he screamed.
The radio comes on ... ".. now follows a party political broadcast on behalf of the Labour Party..."
If a stork brings white babies and a blackbird brings black babies what brings no babies?
A good swallow!!!!!!!!!
Q: Ever hear of the Gary Glitter burger?
A: It’s 60 year old meat in ten year old buns.
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be £3,500 for small, £6,500 for medium, £14,000 for large.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She’d rather have a new kitchen".
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