WE ARE...
Enter YourJokes
There are lots of filthy jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old
If so...........................you’ll love this one:
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental school diploma,which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy, with the same name, had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Fairview High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a bulldog," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely....
Then, that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled,
fat ass,
grey-haired,
decrepit
son-of-a-bitch asked,
"What did you teach ???"
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome,
so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialised in parrots.
As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I’ll bet he’ll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A’s won,
the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and
says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What’s up?"
The parrot says, "I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today.
Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started
sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"
The parrot says, "I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn’t think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it. I thought I’d located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle, and mine’s parted on the side!"
Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once
again, it’s time for
the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin’s are awarded
every year to the
persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby
removing themselves
from the gene pool. This year’s nine nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a
shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s
windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a
hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34,
(a mechanic) of
Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to
repair what police
describe as a "farm-type truck" Burns got a friend
to drive the truck
on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he
could ascertain the
source of a troubling noise. Burns" clothes caught
on something,
however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in
the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles
Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in
Newton, NC. Awakening
to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed,
he reached for the
phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38
Special, which discharged
when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason,
residents of Southern
states always seem to figure prominently among the
Darwin nominees.)
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer
demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper
crashed through a
pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his
death. A police
spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the
courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was
explaining the
strength of the building’s windows to visiting law
students. Hoy
previously has conducted demonstrations of window
strength according to
police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of
the firm Holden Day, t
old the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of
the best and
brightest" members of the 200 man association. (Nice
to see another
Canadian province getting into the awards.... The
Maritimes always have
been heavily involved.)
Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]:
A terrible
diet and a room with
no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a
man who was killed by
his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his
body, and an autopsy
showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.
His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a
couple of other things).
It was just the right combination of foods. It
appears that the man died
in his
sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was
hanging over his bed.
Had he been outside or had his windows been opened,
it wouldn’t have
been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly
airtight bedroom.
According to the article, "He was a big man with a
huge capacity for
creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers
got sick, and one was
hospitalized.
Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael
Anderson Godwin made
News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several
years awaiting
South Carolina’s electric chair on a murder
conviction before having his
sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on
a metal toilet in
his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit
into a wire and was
electrocuted (South Carolina entrants are always
perennial favorites.)
Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette
lighter may have
triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay
County man, using a
cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle
loader, was killed
Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face,
sheriff’s
investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in
his parents" rural
Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said
Pryor was cleaning a
54 caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing
properly. He was using
the lighter to look into the barrel when the
gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A
man cleaning a bird
feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment
in this Toronto
suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death.
Stefan Macko, 55, was
standing on a wheeled chair when the accident
occurred, said Inspector
D’Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It
appears that the chair
moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
(Another Ontario
entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from
the Maritime
Provinces.)
Finally, THE 2004 WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men
were injured when their pickup truck left the road
and struck a tree
near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.
Woodruff County
deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly
after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray
Wallis, 38, of Little
Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging
trip on an overcast
Sunday
night when Poole’s pickup truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men
concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model
truck had burned
out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis
noticed that the
.22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly
into the fuse box next
to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the
bullet the headlights
again began to operate properly, and the two men
proceeded on eastbound
toward the White River Bridge. After traveling
approximately 20 miles,
and just before crossing the river, the bullet
apparently overheated,
discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The
vehicle swerved
sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a
tree. Poole suffered
only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but
will require
extensive surgery to repair the damage to his
testicles, which will
never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken
clavicle and was
treated and released. "Thank God we weren’t on that
bridge when Thurston
shot his balls off, or we might both be dead,"
stated Wallis. "I’ve been
a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world,
but this is a first
for me. I can’t believe that those two would admit
how this accident
happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the
wreck, Lavinia
(Poole’s wife) asked how many frogs the boys had
caught and did anyone
get them from the truck???
(Though Poole and Wallis
did not die as a
result of their misadventure as normally required by
Darwin Award
Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in
fact, effectively
remove himself from the gene pool.)
Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.
They ask who it is. "The blind man" a voice replies.
The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.
He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits ! Where do you want me to install these blinds ?"
A Swede is drinking in a bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a
typical Swedish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Swede just shrugs, "That’s about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy’s a typical Swedish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you’re the father of that typical Swedish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Swedish father takes a long swig of Aquavit, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
A chicken and an egg
A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed.
The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers THAT long asked question!"
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her up the arse, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don’t watch the same movies.
© YourJokes 2001 - 2012