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There are lots of filthy jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
Sophie and the Queen were talking shortly before the wedding when the
Queen said " Now Sophie, I think it's about time you and I talked about
any problems you and Edward may have consummating the marriage"
"Oh," said Sophie, "Everything's all right really, except ......"
"Except what?" said the Queen, "don't be embarrassed, I've heard it all before".
"Well, when I suck his dick and swallow, it tastes awful and gives me really bad heartburn."
"Have you tried Andrews?" asked the Queen
"Yes, but his tasted the same"
Apparently Nike have just invented a new type of trainers for lesbians, they have an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present. . . again.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Saturday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down a gym.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
In the supermarket with his dad, a little boy was flipping a 10p piece into the air and then catching it with his teeth. Someone bumped the little boy at the wrong moment and the 10p came down and lodged into the boy's throat.
The boy starts to choke and his father starts hollering for help.
A middle aged man hears the commotion, casually puts his trolley to the side, straightens his coat and tie, and makes his way to the boy and his father.
"Excuse me, sir," the man tells the father. The man reaches down to the still standing (but still choking)
boy, carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles, and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 10p, which the man catches in his free hand. The man releases the boy and walks back over to his trolley.
After making sure his son is ok, the father walks over to the man and thanks him profusely for saving his son's life. "I've never seen anyone do that -- that's amazing! Are you a surgeon?"
"Oh good heavens, no," replied the slightly embarrassed man. "I work for the Inland Revenue."
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork.
An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.
Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.
It's times like this, you wonder why,
you bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.
You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through.
Lick the tip then take it all,
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.
Slide up and down, use your tongue,
And feel the precum start to run.
So when the fuck's he gonna,
Just when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.
Salty, fishy, sticky, yucky stuff,
Okay, already that's enough.
Let's switch you say before you gag,
And what's your revenge?
You're on the rag.
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon ?
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed... blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
Illiterate ? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away ?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
At the end of a long work week, a group of coal miners discovered that one of them, Young Billy,
was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn't right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation.
They talked him into going out for a night on the town; got him all cleaned up, and drove to the
local brothel.
Upon entering, the ring leader went to the Madame, explained the situation and gave her ?100.
She assured him she would fix Billy up right; so they all left Billy there to enjoy himself.
Being naive, Billy asks the madame what's going on. She explains to him that he is about to become
a man, courtesy of his friends.
"All you have to do is choose one of my girls and she will take care of you."
Well, Billy looks around at the group of women before him and, after several minutes of pondering,
picks a likely looking girl to take upstairs.
Once they are in their room, the girl says to Billy," I hear you're a virgin boy. So what's your
pleasure? You want missionary, Greek, doggy style, 'round the world, 69 or what?"
Billy says," Gosh ma'am, just give me what you think I oughta have."
"No Boy, I'm a professional. You need to tell me what you want."
Billy decides 69 sounds pretty good, so they settle into the proper position.
After several minutes of missing the target, Billy finally gets it right and is starting to enjoy.
Sadly the whore had beans for tea and lets loose a little fart in his face.
Billy shakes his head, thinking it's part of the fun, and continues lickin' away.
A little while later, she passes wind again.
Billy still thinks it's part of the fun and dives back in with a vengeance, lickin' like there's no tomorrow.
A few minutes later,she really lets loose with a fart that curls Billy's eyebrows.
He pushes her off of his face and says, "Ma'am, I don't want you to think I'm not enjoyin' myself or anything but I'm buggered if I can take another 66 of those."
A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror one evening and says to her husband....
"GOD LOOK AT ME, I look fat, old and ugly. Please pay me a compliment"
"YER FUCKIN EYESIGHT IS SPOT ON" He says
Three convicts were on their way to prison.
They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horse riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
Mr. Perkins, the biology teacher at a posh girl's school, said during class,
"Miss Smythe, would you please name the
organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands
to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think
that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear
of this."
With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on
Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure,
replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three
things to say to you. One, you have not studied your homework. Two, you
have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful
disappointment."
Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: Once they get banged a few times,they loosen up.
Q: What's a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q: What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I must be able to do better than that.
Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."
A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's office.
The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us make love ?"
The doctor looked confused but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said,
"There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them ?20.00.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an appointment, screw, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man responded,
"We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house.
I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Sheraton Hotel charges ?52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges ?37.00.
We shag here for ?20.00 and I get ?18.00 back from from insurance company for a visit
to the doctors office.
A woman tells her friend that Interflora just delivered a bunch of flowers
from her husband. "Now I guess he'll want me to spend the entire weekend on
my back with my legs in the air"
"Why?" asks her friend "Don't you have a vase?"
Quotes Taken from actual work performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young man has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."
EVERYONE THINKS THIS LAST ONE IS THE BEST...
11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my arse. Could you check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's bum, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your arse."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
Subject: Good management principles
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
Dear Paddy
Just a few lines to let you know that I?m still alive. I?m writing this letter slowly because I know you can?t read very fast. You won?t recognise the house when you get back, we have moved.
About your father, he has started a new job with over 2,500 people under him, he?s cutting the grass in the cemetery. There was a washing machine in the new home when we moved in but I don?t think it is working properly. I put in two of your fathers shirts, pulled the chain and haven?t seen them since.
I have just heard that your sister has had a baby, but I don?t know if it is a boy or a girl so I can?t tell you if you?re an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle Paddy Jr drowned last week in a vat of whiskey. All his work mates at the Dublin Brewery tried to save him but he fought them of very bravely. They cremated his body and took three days to put out the fire.
I went to the Doctors last week and your father came with me. The doctor put a tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 15 minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him offering him ?200. It only rained twice last week, first for 3 days and second for 4. I wanted to put ?10 in with this letter, for you to have a pint on me but your father already sealed the envelope. Hope to hear from you soon.
Your loving mother
XXX
One day a builder got home a little early, and found his wife in bed with another man.
Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage and secured
his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going
to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the builder, "You are...
I'm going to set the garage on fire."
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their
English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things
like "chalk"or "pencil" have a gender association, although in English
these words are neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and divided the class into two groups; one group
all male, the other all female. They were to decide which gender should be applied to
"computer" and give four reasons for their decision.
The group of women concluded computers should be referred to in the masculine
gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you
could have had a better model.
The group of men decided computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine
gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory banks for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
What's the difference between a Frenchman and a piece of toast?
You can make soldiers from a piece of toast
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
(Schwartzkopf)
"War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II."
(Tom Brokaw)
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."
(don't know)
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
(Marge Simpson)
One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she sees
a wolf sitting under a tree with his ears erect and his mouth stretched in a
big toothy grin.
She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"
The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes.
She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"
The wolf grins a bit wider and looks slightly harassed.
She says, "My, what big teeth you have!"
"Look" says the wolf looking her in the eye, "Fuck off! I'm trying to take a dump!"
It has been studied and determined that the most
often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie
position.
The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over
and plays dead.
There was a gold prospector in the Yukon that had been searching for gold for about
10 years when one day he finally hit the mother lode, after jumping up and down and
celebrating he finally made his way down to the mining town to this seedy little bar.
He went up to the bar and yelled "Bar keep, I want 2 cold beers and the roughest toughest
whore in the Yukon!"
Well, the barkeep gave him to cold ones and told him to go upstairs to the room on the left.
The prospector tossed the barkeep a nugget of gold, grabbed his beers and went to the room.
He kicked open the door and yelled "I'm looking for the roughest toughest whore in the Yukon!" and tossed a nugget of gold on the bed.
Well, the whore invited him in, accepted the beer, and took off her clothes, turned around
bent over and grabbed her ankles.
Surprised, the prospector said with a smile "How did you know that was my favourite position ?"
The whore said: "I didn't! I just thought you might like to open one of those beers!"
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
In the snow +8
But return with beer -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise & it's nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise & it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her pet -10
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has breast implants -8
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team -10
Go out with a pal -5
The pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single -7
And he drives a Mustang -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) -15
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called Death Cop III -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts-30
You say "It doesn't matter, you have one too" -800
She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
Any other response -20
Sorry, there's no way out of this one without a loss of points....
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen over 30 minutes without looking at the clock +100
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -20
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys fifty acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again, Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town.
Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed
from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some
assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional.
But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "
I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "
You got any toilet paper on your side?"
The whales were fed up with ships crossing their feeding grounds, migration paths, and breeding areas;
not to mention years of being hunted and killed.
They got together in to decide what to do.
Discussion continued until a plan of attack was proposed.
"What we will do, is gather in two groups, one behind the other.
The first group will swim under each ship, and blow together.
This will create a huge bubble of air under the ship, which will capsize it,
dropping the sailors into the water.
The following group of whales will then gobble them up."
After the cheering died down, one whale, towards the outside of the meeting was was slapping
his tail on the water for attention.
The leader says, "Yes...Mervin? You have something to say?"
Mervin replies, "Well, I can go along with the blow job, but I won't swallow any seamen."
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
After dinner the man informed the waiter that these were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: None. Beer is just right.
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