Filthy jokes - filthy humour from YourJokes

Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!

Caught with his pants down.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!"
"I can’t jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "I’m naked and it’s raining cats and dogs."
"If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!" she replied. "He’s got a very quick temper and a shotgun!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn’t that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it’s raining," he replied.

In the supermarket ...

A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:

1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner

The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder.
He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza
and some Wagon wheels. As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies "How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says....

"Because you’re a minger"

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1- to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14- to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7- to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1- to move it to the Lighting section
2- to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7- to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5- to flame the spell checkers
3- to correct spelling/grammar flames
6- to argue over whether it’s "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2- industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15- know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19- to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11- to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36- to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7- to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4- to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s
3- to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13- to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5- to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4- to say "didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?"
13- to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
17 - to say they have the best brand lightbulb and accuse the rest of being fanboys
1- forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Deafness

Paddy goes to the doctor complaining of a hearing problem.

Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms?"

Paddy replies, "Homer’s fat and Marge has blue hair".

CHAIN REACTION

Once upon a time there was a fly flying six inches above some water in a river. Out of nowhere a bass came along and saw the fly that was flying six inches above the water and said, "I wish that fly would drop four inches so I can jump up out of the water and eat the fly."

Then come along a bear and he saw what was going on and then he said,

"I wish that fly would only drop four inches, so the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so I could grab and eat the bass."

Not long after that had happened a hunter came along and saw everything that was going on and said, "I wish that fly would just drop four inches so that the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so the bear could go over and catch and eat the bass, so I could shoot the bear and have a nice trophy."

A few minutes later a mountain lion stops behind a bush and sees what is going on and says,

"I wish that fly would just drop four inches so the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so the bear could go over and catch and eat the bass, and the hunter could shoot the bear, so I could jump out of this bush and land on the hunter and eat him."

All of a sudden the fly drops four inches so the bass jumps and eats the fly, the bear grabs and eats the bass, the hunter shoots the bear, and the mountain lion jumps over the hunter and lands right in the water.

And the moral of the story is: WHEN THE FLY DROPS, THE PUSSY GETS WET.

Welsh love story

A Taffy a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an uninhabited island.

After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to Taff. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful that Taffy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, Taffy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them
as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young
woman cautiously and whispered in her ear....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

The Stamp

Tony Blair wants a postage stamp issued with his picture on it before he is kicked out of office. So, he instructs his people, stressing that it should be of high international quality.

The stamps are created, printed, and released.
Tony is delighted.

Within a few days of release of the stamp Tony begins hearing complaints that the stamp is not sticking so he phones his old mate Mandy and asks him to investigate. After checking it out at several post offices Mandy phones back ...

"There is nothing wrong with the stamp - the problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."

Barrymore

Three Taliban supporters have been found dead in Michael Barrymore’s swimming pool.
Apparently they were suicide bummers.

The BBC are making a new sitcom to star Michael Barrymore.
Its going to be called..........."Only Pools and Corpses".

Michael Barrymore has been found dead in his Essex mansion with chocolate round his bum.
The word on the street is George Michael was careless with a Wispa.