Disgusting jokes - disgusting humour from YourJokes

Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!

At the doctors ...

A deaf man goes to the the doctors with his wife.

The doctor says to him ""I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample.""

The man turns round and says to his wife ""What does he want?""

His wife says ""YOUR UNDERPANTS""

Healthcare for the elderly

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed wind at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing wind because they don’t smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what medicine you gave me, but now my wind..... although still silent... smells terrible."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing."

The Saviour

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog, Muffles, lying dead with its legs up in the air.

She asked, "Daddy, Daddy, why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."

The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."

Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well, Mommy’s legs were up in the air and she was screaming "Oh Jesus, I’m coming I’m coming" and if it wasn’t for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

Air Traffic Control

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally don’t hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C’s, and Ds, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma’am" the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn’t I married to you once?"

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

Unknown aircraft: "I’m f*cking bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f*cking bored, not f*ucking stupid!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers......"

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206"...

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn’t stop."

O’Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this... I’ve got the little Fokker in sight."

For the Soldiers Entertainment

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"

Not worth the trouble

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I’m blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6" 2", weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6’5", weighs 250 pounds, and she’s a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?"

The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times."

Genesis

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15 years."
And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."
And it was so.

Finally, God created Man, and told him, " You will be the the smartest creature that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded,"Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."


And it was so - God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

Rule Britannia

When Britain was an empire it was ruled by an emperor.
When it was a kingdom it was ruled by a king.
Now it is a country is is ruled by ..... Tony Blair.