Disgusting jokes - disgusting humour from YourJokes

Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!

Triple Scotch

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one gulp.

"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad musta happened"
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom and there was my wife having sex with my best friend"
The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The guy gulps it down again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?"
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her, 'We're through.' 'Pack your bag's and get out,' I told her!"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the " Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbour's bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

The fifty-third floor

A-1 construction company is putting up a skyscraper in downtown New York. It's Hard-hat Joey's first day working on the fifty-third floor.

At about 11:30, after a morning of riveting, he starts to feel nature calling.

He finds his foreman and asks "Hey boss jew think I can go down and take a piss real quick"

"Hey Joey, ya know I can't do dat" his boss replies, "It'll take ya 10 minutes to get down, and another ten to get back up. That's 20 minutes I just can't spare. Ya know we gotta get this job done by next week" "I tell ya what" says the foreman, "I'll stick this here plank out da window, you go out dere and uh do what ya gotta do"

Joey inches his way out on to the plank, unzips his pants and starts to piss.

Meanwhile the phone rings inside. the foreman, forgetting he was holding the plank for Joey and not wanting to miss the call runs over to answer it.

Needless to say Joey falls and dies.

The next week there is an inquiry into Joey's death and the foreman gets brought up on charges of murder.

The prosecution has one witness that was on the 25th floor. When asked to give his view of what happened, the witness looks around, leans forward and says "you know what I think? I think it had to do with sex. Maybe they were quarreling lovers"

The foreman incensed, stands up and yells what the hell kinda crap is that?"

"Well," says the witness, "when the deceased passed the 25th floor he was holding his dick and screaming 'where'd that cocksucker go?!'"

Sleeping Sickness

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem - my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" Mrs Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

Sex Doll

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he's looking for a blow up doll.

The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?"

Confused the man says "What's the difference?"

"Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"

Free ride

One rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.
"Euston Station," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver ?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question ?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller ?"

Donald and Daisy

Donald and Daisy duck have just got married and are spending there honeymoon at the Las Vegas Hilton. Donald is feeling mighty randy tonight and cant wait to give Daisy a good goosing! He waddles over to her on the bed, takes of her lacey underwear, is just about to slip her a crippler when Daisy cries,
"Stop right there Donald, Where's your condom"?
"Fuck off Daisy, we're married now, I never packed them and besides, where am I gonna get condoms at this time of night ?"
"I don't give a shit", she says, "you are not poking me without a condom."
Muttering and swearing to himself, Donald storms out of the Bridal suite and downstairs into the lobby thinking, god what am I going to do. He walks up to Reception and a asks the lady in an embarrassed tone,
"Err, where can I get some condoms from, please miss ?"
The receptionist having seen and heard it all before replies,
"Right here sir, we have plenty in stock, would you like me to put them on your bill ?"
To which Donald replies, "What do you think I am? A fuckin' pervert or something ?"

In the gents

Bob goes into the public toilets and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor bugger is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Errr, OK, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your prick?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

The Amish

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Tickets Please ...

Three Scousers and three Mancs are travelling by train to a football match in London At the station, the three Mancs each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scousers buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Mancs.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Scousers.

They all board the train. The Mancs take their respective seats but all three Scousers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Mancs are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Scousers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip...To their astonishment, the Scousers don't buy a ticket at all !!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Mancunian.
"Watch and learn..." says one Scouser.

When they board the train the three Mancs cram into a toilet and soon after the three Scousers pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scousers leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the Mancs are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

Who wants to be an Irish Millionaire

[Note: Gay Byrne hosts the Irish WWTBAM)

Mick is appearing on the Irish Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Gaybo: "Mick you've done very well so far - 500,000 and one life left - phone a friend, the next question will give you the first ever Million if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to 32,000 - are you ready?"
Mick: "Sure I'll have a go"
Gaybo : "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Thrush!!!! Remember Mick its worth 1 Million."
Mick: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....no I haven't got a clue. Can I phone a friend please Gay just to be sure?"
Gay: "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?"
Mick: "I'll phone Paddy back home in BallygoOn." (ringing)
Paddy: "Hello..."
Gay: "Hello Paddy its Gay Byrne here from who wants to be a millionaire - I have Mick here and he is doing really well on 500,000 but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Micks - he'll explain the question there are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer andd you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick."
Mick: "Paddy Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Trush!!!!
Paddy: "Jesus Mick thats simple.....Its a Cuckoo.
Mick: "You think?"
Paddy: "I'm sure."
Mick: "Thanks Paddy." (hangs up)
Gay: "Well do you want to stick on 500,000 or play on for first ever Million Mick?"
Mick: "I want to play, I'll go with C--Cuckoo
Gay: "Is that your final answer?"
Mick: "It is."
Gay: "Are you confident?"
Mick: "Yes fairly Paddy's a sound bet."
Gay: "Mick .....you had 500,000 and you said Cuckoo - You have just won 1 MILLION POUNDS. Here is your cheque you have been a great contestant and a real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick."

(clapping)

That night Mick calls round to Paddy and brings him down to the local to fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick Turns to Paddy and ask's "Tell me Paddy!!!How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, sure you know fuck all about birds?????"

Paddy: "Listen Mick, everbody know that feckin Cuckoo lives in a clock"!!!!!

Advice for Women

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most often asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general).

All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behaviour in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend/lover/husband. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before, if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out...while he's gone - you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare, and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees for him. Then thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and (or) buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

At the doctors ...

Tarquin goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "Tarquin, I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."

Tarquin is devastated. "Doctor, what can I do ?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, a plate of baked beans, 20 un-peeled carrots covered in tomato salsa, 10 jalapeno peppers, 5 corn-on-the- cobs, 40 walnuts and peanuts, a box of branflakes, chicken dhansaak, and I want you to wash it down with a couple of pints of prune juice."

"Will that cure me ?" asks Tarquin hopefully.

"No," replies the doctor, "but it will teach you what your arse is for."

Mad Cow Disease

A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer seeking the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: - "Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the causes of Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year?"

The Lady (getting embarrassed), "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer, "Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day ?"

The Lady, "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The Farmer, "I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and fucking you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

Not to be confused with
Gordon Brown Syndrome.
Characterised by getting on everyones tits and fucking everyone over.

Still working ...

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.

This piques the interest of the pharmacist. "What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"

So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."

Business is Business

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge ?20 for sex,"

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is ?25."

Q & A

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Range Rover?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 kilos.

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Quickies

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. (Claire Swire, where are you?)

Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
"Cos it doesn't need cleaning yet.

It hurts ...

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

The joys of old age ...

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy-year old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."
"That's nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the crapper for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible.
"You think you've got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig." "So what's the problem ?" ask the other two.

"I don't wake up until 11:30 !!"

Politically Correct

Notification to all staff regarding language:
Due to the politically correct movement, employees of this store must change the language they use in the presence of customers. The following is a translation list for employee reference:
No fucking way - I'm fairly sure that's not feasible
You're fucking kidding - Really?
Who the fuck are you - Hi, we haven't met..
Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by..
No cunt told me - I wasn't involved in that project
You don't know shit - You seem perplexed
What the fuck do you want? - Hello, may I help you?
She's a ball-busting bitch - She's assertive
This place is fucked - We're a bit disorganised today
Stick it up your arse - No thanks
You're a fucking wanka - You are my supervisor and I respect you
You fat fucking loser - Gee, that was unfortunate
I don't give a shit - I'll certainly think it over

Tattoo

Jim went to the tattooist and had 'I LOVE YOU' tattoed on his dick.
When he got home he showed his wife.
"There you go again", she said, "trying to put fucking words in my mouth".

Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it's going to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with a horn.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool into nylon

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was full of fleas
But even worse the little sod
Had foot and mouth disease

Super Shagger

A chap asks a prostitute for a shag and she tells him it's $20. "Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky". She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent.

They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.

"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.

The prostitute is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy, but she goes along with his request. Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly.

Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes duck call whistle from his pocket. "Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her.

So he's banging away at her from behind while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had.

After they've finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"

"Ah," he replies, "Four spring Duck Technique"

Buying a dog

A lonely man is browsing the pet ads in his local paper looking for a pet. He comes accross an advert for an intelligent,adorable golden labrador free to good home. He calls the number and arranges to go and see the dog.

He arrives at the house and a man lets him in.
The man asks the owner "Does the dog have a pedigree ?".
The owner replies "Ask him".
"Ask him. Don't be ridiculous".
"Ask him. He's in the kitchen".
The man enters the kitchen, and sure enough there is the dog, a very handsome golden labrador.
Feeling a bit silly the man asks the the dog "Do have a pedigree ?"
To his astonishment, the dog replies."Yes I have a pedigree I'm KC registered, both my mother and father have won best of breed at Crufts". He continues "I worked for Customs & Excise at Heathrow airport, and I've been in several films and TV ads".
Amazed the man says to the owner "What a great dog, he talks and he's been a top sniffer dog, I don't understand - why you want to give away such a brilliant dog ?"
The owner replies "I'm sick of his fuckin' lies".

The Fool Protest

A friend of mine had to go to London during the fuel crisis, but the traffic came to a dead halt just by Hammersmith. She thought to herself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

She noticed a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so she rolls down her window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?"

Plod replies: "The Prime Minister is just so depressed about Mo Mowlam's resignation, the fuel blockades, his kids getting into trouble here and abroad, and his general dive in the popularity stakes, that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the road and he's threatening to douse himself in the last bit of petrol in the Prime-Ministerial Rolls and set himself on fire. He says his cabinet hates him, Gordon Brown's not even talking to him, he doesn't have the money to pay for Cherie's next shopping trip for Baby Leo, and the Royal Flight has refused to provide the transport for his Christmas holiday. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

Don't laugh. This could be true !!

Wondering how his popularity was among the children, the American president, George Bush visits a school. After explaining a little bit of the governmental platform, he asks the kids if they had any questions.

Bob raises his hand and says: - I have 3 questions for you...

1) How did you manage to win the elections, even though you had less votes ?
2) Why do you want to attack Iraq without clear reasons ?
3) Don't you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest act of terrorism in the world's history ?

At this very moment the bell rings and all the kids run out of the classroom. After the break, Bush tells the kids to feel free to ask him more questions and this time Joey raises his hand and says: - I have 5 questions for you...

1) How did you manage to win in the elections, even though you had less votes ?
2) Why do you want to attack Iraq without clear reasons ?
3) Don't you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest act of terrorism in the world's history ?
4) Why did the bell sound 20 minutes earlier today ?
5) Where's Bob ?

After sex ...

After some great sex, she lies there stroking his prick.

He asks "Do you want more sex?"

"No" she replies, "I'm just admiring your cock... I really miss mine."

All American Hero

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said,"Kin ya swaller?'
She shook her head"No."
"Kin ya breath?"
Again she shakes her head "No."

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks arse! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned."I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his friend.

"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick manoeuvre works every time!"

Pro Celebrity Golf

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."