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Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They’s all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn’t ... but you know what a liar he is.
The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
"However", the clerk explains, "It will be 24 hours before it
can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up," apologises the Pope.
"No problem." replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven."
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
Tiger: "You’re a day late!!"
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th
birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good
about the results.
On her way home she stops to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she asks the newsvendor, "I
hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am ?"
"About 32," he replies.
"I’m actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and
asks the counter girl the same question. She
replies, "I’d guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47 !"
Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old
man the same question.
He replies, "I’m 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way
to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you
to let me put my hands in your bra. Then, I
can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until
curiosity got the best of the woman and she
finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands in her bra and
begins to feel her tits.Several minutes she
says, "Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know ?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald’s."
There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex because the boy’s mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.
They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey, here’s the moment we’ve been waiting for.... It’s time to consummate our marriage."
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I’m not going down there!"
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs has teeth."
The bride laughed and said, "That’s nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "My God! With gum disease like that, it’s no WONDER you have no teeth!!"
Two queers, Rupert and Quentin, are behind some bushes,
When all of a sudden Rupert shouts out as he is having terrible pains in his stomach
Quentin asks him "What?s the matter with you"
Ruperts says "I think I’m having a baby"
Quentin says "Don?t be stupid you can?t have a baby - you?re a man"
Rupert says "I can feel it moving around in my stomach"
All of a sudden Rupert has one almighty pain in his stomach so he pulls his trousers down and squats. There is a bloody mess everywhere as he pushes with all his might. When he is finally finished he looks down and shouts out at the top of his voice "I’ve had a baby. I can see its little arms and legs moving around"
Quentin comes over to take a look..
"You dirty bastard. You’ve just shit on a frog"
A teacher explains to her class that she is a New Labour supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were New Labour supporter too.
Not really knowing what a New Labour supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.
There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I’m not a New Labour supporter."
"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"Why I’m a proud Conservative," boasts the little girl.
The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a Conservative.
"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are Conservatives, and I am a Conservative too."
The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That’s no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
She pauses, and lets out a smile.
"Then," Lucy says, "I’d be a New Labour supporter."
Two Irish couples agree to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says to Murphy....
"I wonder how the women are getting on!"
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 Litres of low fat milk
6eggs
2 litres of orange juice
A lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk was standing behind her watching. While the till operator was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly said "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about them that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you’re fucking ugly."
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