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There are lots of crude jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
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Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them.
The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn’t touch him.
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles.
First, one says to the other, "I’ve never come this way before."
Other nun says, "Neither have I. It’s probably the cobbles."
Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it?
Wife:You wear briefs, don’t you?
Two men drove to a petrol station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you’re entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7" said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8" replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure" replied the attendant. "I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 5" replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man, "You know, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father’s details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was Fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.
Rick was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him in no uncertain terms, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he’s being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn’t get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I’ll jump off the ladder!"
Tarquin goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "Tarquin, I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."
Tarquin is devastated. "Doctor, what can I do ?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, a plate of baked beans, 20 un-peeled
carrots covered in tomato salsa, 10 jalapeno peppers, 5 corn-on-the-
cobs, 40 walnuts and peanuts, a box of branflakes, chicken dhansaak,
and I want you to wash it down with a couple of pints of prune juice."
"Will that cure me ?" asks Tarquin hopefully.
"No," replies the doctor, "but it will teach you what your arse is for."
Q.) What’s the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What’s the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) How can you tell when a car mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whisky.
He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks ?"
"But of course," the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman."
Anxious to know more, the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar.
She undresses and, full of expectation, lies down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing.
"It’s always the same thing with you !" the man then shouts at the dog, "I’ll show you how to do it one last time."
© YourJokes 2001 - 2012