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Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
It was the postman’s last day on the job after 25 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing floats.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the best shag he had ever had.
He staggered downstairs, and she made a giant breakfast: eggs, bacon, sausage, beans, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a pound coin under the saucer.
"That was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what’s the pound for ?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a quid - the breakfast was my idea."
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess."
She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered."
Working people frequently ask retired people such as us what we do to make our days interesting.
Well here’s an example.
The other day my wife and I went into Glasgow shopping. We were only in the shop for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket so I called him a Nazi shit.
He glared at me and started writing up another ticket for taking two parking places so my wife called him a shit too.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then we abused him even more and eventually he got on his radio and called a van out to tow the car away. We looked at each other as the car was clamped and lifted on to the back of the truck.
We didn’t care. We’d come into town by bus and the car had a Celtic sticker on the back window.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired - it’s important at our age.
There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex because the boy’s mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.
They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey, here’s the moment we’ve been waiting for.... It’s time to consummate our marriage."
He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I’m not going down there!"
The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"
He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs has teeth."
The bride laughed and said, "That’s nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"
The groom quickly replies, "My God! With gum disease like that, it’s no WONDER you have no teeth!!"
On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn’t work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What’s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.
They ask who it is. "The blind man" a voice replies.
The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.
He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits ! Where do you want me to install these blinds ?"
Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking...............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Educated...................Was fucked to bits at Uni"
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..........................................Fat
40-ish.............................................49
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle...........................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned..........................No BJs or anal
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social.....................Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Widow........................................Murderer
A Texan walked into a brothel in New Orleans and bellied up to the bar.
"M name is John. Everyone calls me Big Bad John. I come from Texas, ladies and gents. I’m six foot four and 225 pounds of dynamite. And I want me the best dang whore in the place."
The madam calls over Dallas Rose, her best girl and sends them upstairs to one of the rooms.
When they were undressing, he went through his Big Bad John routine again.
A few minutes later Dallas Rose comes running madly down the stairs shouting, "Run, run for your lives. There’s 225 pounds of dynamite upstairs with a two inch fuse!"
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