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There are lots of crude jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
Come inside and check them out.
Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
A man phones work and says "Sorry, I can't come in today I'm sick."
The boss says "How sick are you?"
"Well", the man replies "you judge - I'm in bed with my sister."
A duck walks into a bar and ask for a pint of lager shandy.
The barman stands back in amazement and says
"Wow, you're a talking duck! We don't often get many talking ducks in"
The duck replies "Yes well you'll get at least one for the next four days"
"Why?" asks the barman.
"Well I'm doing some plastering on the new houses being built down the road,
so I'll be in for a swift one in my dinner hour"
"That's amazing" said the barman "I've got a friend who runs a circus
he could do with a guy like you, he pays big wages as well, much more than you'll be earning now.
I'll give him a bell if you like ?"
"Sounds great mate" said the duck "But them circus types live in tents don't they ?"
"Yeah" says the barman "Why ?"
"Well" says the duck "What the bloody hell do they want with a plasterer ?"
A huge flood occurs in the town the priest lived in, and he has to climb up on his roof
to escape the water. As the water is rising almost to the roof, a canoe comes by and
the man says, "come into the boat and I will save you!!"
The priest says, "I will stay here, God will save me!"
As the water is at his feet, a motorboat comes by, and the people say, "Come priest we
will save you!"
The priest says, "God will save me!"
As the water is almost up to his chin, a helicopter comes overhead, and they say
"climb into the plane," and the priest says again "No, God will save me!"
At the point of almost drowning, the priest says "God , I have been a good priest, and
have always prayed to you. Why wont you save me?"
Suddenly the voice of God answers, "What more could I do? I already sent you two
boats and a helicopter !"
Two boys are playing in the street in Manchester, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists,
breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young United Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a United fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Manchester, I just assumed you were." say's the reporter and starts again.
"Little City Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he starts writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a City fan either," the boy say's.
"I assumed everyone in Manchester was either a United or City fan.
What team, DO you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Liverpool fan." the boy said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Scouser Tearaway Kills Beloved Family Pet."
A sweet young girl entered a pet shop and asked, "Do you have widdle wabbits ?"
The shopkeeper knelt down, smiled and asked, "Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft fuwwy bwack wabby, or a cute widdle bwown wabby ?"
She put her hands on her hips and said quietly, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit !"
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women?
A: Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle, one to write ...
Q: What's the best thing about a blowjob?
A: Ten minutes of silence.
Q. What do asylum seekers and sperm have in common ?
A. Millions of the little buggers flood in, but only one works...
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand echozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!
Charles Kennedy, David Cameron and Tony Blair all die in a train crash.
They are standing before God, seated on His throne.
God asks Kennedy: "What do you believe?"
Kennedy says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my left. DavidCameron, what do you believe?"
Cameron says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered.
I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Tony, what do you believe?"
Tony Blair says: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q: Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair?
A: Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Attila the Hun, and a politician, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the politician twice.
Q: How are women like parking spaces?
A: The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Q: What do you call a fat man in a swimming pool?
A: Bob
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other ?
A: Eileen
Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
A: Irene
Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with no legs?
A: DragonLips
Q: How do you get an arts graduate off your doorstep?
A: Pay him for the pizza
Q: What's a light-year?
A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
Q: What's the difference between a paedophile and a greyhound????
A: A greyhound waits for the hare !
Q: What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with 'c', ends with 't' ?
A: A coconut
Q: What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out ?
A: Chewing gum.
Please sign,
I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm
after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five
minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely
fake one.
2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship
is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your
football team lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation
incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't
there.
3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I
will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled
Himalayan yak.
4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
5. After sex, I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm
goes dead. Nor will let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
6. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
7. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual
position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you
just lie there, grinning.
8. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your
friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day
meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them
that you have "ruined me for other men".
9. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer
games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of
women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so
you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing
machine, of course.
Signed ____________________________________
Date ______________________________________
Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah" ?
A: About three inches.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers ?
A: Well-hung.
Q: Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms ?
A: For traction in the mud.
Q: How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony ?
A: It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife ?
A: 3 stone.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband ?
A: 45 minutes
Following the Last Trump Mother Teresa, Lady Di and Tony Blair arise and head for heaven.
All three of them are standing outside the pearly gates and are met by
St Peter who says 'Aah yes I was expecting you three, go along that corridor there your rooms are marked
with your names'.
Mother Teresa's room is first and she goes in to find a smelly excrement filled room with a
disgustingly dirty bed, lying on the bed is the ugliest man in creation fat, flatulent, bald,
no teeth etc. The door slams behind Mother Teresa and the voice of God comes over the intercom
'Mother Teresa you led a life of debauchery and sin your penance is to make love to this man
for all eternity'.
'Fuck me' thought the other two.
Lady Di's room was next it was even more gross than the last and the hideously ugly man laying
leering on the bed was even uglier than the last. Again the door slams behind Di and the voice
of God booms out 'Dianna you led a disgusting, debauched and unholy life on earth.
Your penance is to make love to this man for all eternity'
Jesus fucking christ thought Tony Blair.
He walks to his room and with trepidation steps in... soft lighting shows a beautiful room,
champagne chilling by the bed, and Claudia Schiffer stretched out stark naked on the silk sheets.
The door slams behind Tony and the voice of God once more booms out.
'CLAUDIA SCHIFFER! YOU LED A DISGUSTING,DEBAUCHED AND UNHOLY LIFE ON EARTH.................
A ventriloquist walked up to an Welshman and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Taffy: "Horses don't talk"
Ventriloquist: "Watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your dog talk."
Taffy: "Dogs can't talk."
Ventriloquist: "Watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Taffy: "Sheep Lie ! Sheep Lie !"
Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy
about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.
Joe, on the next stool, says "That's amazing. Where did you get him?"
Bill says "I got this magic lamp with a genie."
Joe says "That's great could I use it ?"
Bill says "Sure " and hands him the lamp.
Joe rubs the lamp, out comes the genie, and he says" I want a million bucks".
Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!
Joe exclaims "Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!"
Bill explained "Yeah, the genie is a bit deaf.
You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?"
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore ?
A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife ?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie ?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse ?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called 'Blonde' paint ?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks
in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks
for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks
good enough, I'll go home."
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Q: Why is a woman different from a PC?
A: A woman won't accept a 3 1/2" floppy
Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
So it seems this penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down.
He called the AA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told
him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem.
The penguin wasn't in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around.
Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch,
and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage.
The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage, came over wiping his hands on a rag,
and shaking his head, saying "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied,
"Oh no! It's just ice cream!"
Tony Blair wants a postage stamp issued with his picture on it before he is kicked out of office.
So, he instructs his people, stressing that it should be of high international quality.
The stamps are created, printed, and released.
Tony is delighted.
Within a few days of release of the stamp Tony begins hearing complaints that the stamp is not sticking so he phones his old mate Mandy and asks him to investigate.
After checking it out at several post offices Mandy phones back ...
"There is nothing wrong with the stamp - the problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
It is just before Scotland v England in the World Cup Group game.
Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".
Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down..........
I got sent off after 12 minutes"
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong...have you tried the light switch?
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: How can you tell if a politician is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"
How can you spot the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Definition of a nice Greek Boy:
A boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother.
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
Why aren't there any Scousers on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
A woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fianc?e
thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try.
On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh.
When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg,
finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in," and she snaps the elastic band.
The hubby yells, "What the hell was that?"
The wife explains, "That was just my virginity snapping."
The husband replies, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.
They ask who it is. "The blind man" a voice replies.
The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind.
He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits ! Where do you want me to install these blinds ?"
Following questions and answers were collated from last year's English GCSEs. (16 year olds)
Q : Name the four seasons.
A : Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q : Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A : Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q : How is dew formed?
A : The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q : What is a planet?
A : A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q : What causes the tides in the oceans?
A : The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow
towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q : What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A : If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q : In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A : Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q : What are steroids?
A : Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q : What happens to your body as you age?
A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A : He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q : Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A : Premature death.
Q : What is artificial insemination?
A : When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q : How can you delay milk turning sour?
A : Keep it in the cow.
Q : How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A : The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal
cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q : What is the Fibula?
A : A small lie.
Q : What does "varicose" mean?
A : Nearby.
Q : What is the most common form of birth control?
A : Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q : Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A : The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q : What is a seizure?
A : A Roman emperor.
Q : What is a terminal illness?
A : When you are sick at the airport
Q : Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A : Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q : Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q : What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.
Tom and Bert are sitting in hides about a hundred feet apart in the swamp with their guns.
After a long period of no productivity, Bert yells over at Tom and says,
"Hey bro give me a cigarette!"
Tom yells back, "If you you want one, paddle over here and get it!"
So Bert proceeds to paddle over..
After he crawls up to get his cigarette, he asks to borrow Tom's lighter, which is huge,
and when he lights it, a yard long flame shoots out.
He asks, "Where did you get this damn fool lighter ?"
"I got from a stupid genie," says Tom.
"If you want to get a wish, I threw it over there in the weeds by that log."
Bert then goes over to the area pointed out to him and sure enough, there lies a brass lamp.
He rubs the lamp and an old genie pops out.
"I am the genie of the lamp, I'll grant you one wish."
"But aren't I supposed to get 3 wishes," says Bert.
The Genie replies,"Look, I'm old and tired, so you only get one wish, so make it good."
Bert thinks for a second and says, "I want a million bucks."
"It is done," says the genie and disappears.
Suddenly ducks fill the sky like they have never seen, I mean everywhere!
Bert is paddles back to tell Tom what happened but Tom replies simply,
"Where'd ya think I got this 15 inch BIC ?"
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