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There are lots of adult jokes to chose from at YourJokes.
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Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... you know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you’re bad luck, get the fuck away from me."
Paddy filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.
After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn’t find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn’t been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," Paddy thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.
"And this one’s even better because it locks!"
Two blokes go in to a pub one says to the other, "Hey donkey, what you havin ?"
The man replies "I’ll, I’ll have a p p p p pint of la lager please mate"
Ok, his mate says.
Ten minutes passes and the bloke says "Hey donkey what you havin ?"
And stutter boy says, "I’ll, I’ll have another p p p pint of la la lager please mate"
Ok, his mate says.
Ten minutes passes and the bloke says "You get em in donkey it must be your round"
Donkey goes to the bar and says to the barman, "I’ll have t t t two p p p pints if la la lager please mate"
"OK" the barman says, "Here why’s he call you donkey ?"
Donkey replies
"D du dunno - E OR E OR E always calls me donkey"
This is a hole that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
And all the soap from here to hell
Can never get rid of that fucking smell
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he said.
"Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you £5" he says.
"?5 !! Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you £10" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"?50" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"
"?100 if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old ... and £100 would be very handy...."Well,
OK...but only for a minute," she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands
underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD...while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you
keep saying "Oh my god’?"
While continuing to fondle her tits he answers "OH
MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get £100 ?"
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess."
She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered."
A man is in a hotel reception and wants to ask the receptionist a question.
As he turns to go to the desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him
and his elbow pokes her in the tits. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me."
She replies, "If your prick is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 214."
One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She said, "Don’t forget your sweater.’
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