Most of our jokes are for adults only!!
Really very extremely Non-PC - you have been warned!!

Mummy, Mummy ...

Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were getting married and planned on living with Marie's mother until they could establish a place of their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs and were getting ready for bed. Mario started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first, and he had hair all over his chest. Marie ran downstairs and told her mother.

"Mummy!! Mummy!! He?s got hair all over his chest !"
Her mother replied, "Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud."

So Marie ran upstairs and found Mario taking off his trousers. He was extremely hairy all over his legs. Marie ran down the steps to tell her mother.

"Mummy, he?s got hair all over his legs."
"Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud."

Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting on the bed taking off his socks. Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look, and ran downstairs.

"Mummy, Mummy, he?s only got a foot and a half !"
At this, mother yelled, "Marie, you wait here. I'm gonna go upstairs !"

Retirement ...

It was the postman's last day on the job after 25 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing floats.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the best shag he had ever had.

He staggered downstairs, and she made a giant breakfast: eggs, bacon, sausage, beans, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a pound coin under the saucer.
"That was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the pound for ?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a quid - the breakfast was my idea."

Too busy

A salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

Salesman: "Is your mommy there?

Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"
Boy: (whisper) "She's busy."
S: "Is your daddy there?"
B: (whisper) "Yes."
S: "Can I speak with him?"
B: (whisper) "He's busy."
S: "Is there anyone else there?"
B: (whisper) "The fire department."
S: "Can I talk to one of them?"
B: (whisper) "They're busy."
S: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
B: (whisper) "The police department."
S: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
B: (whisper) "They're busy."
S: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"
B: (whisper) "They're looking for me."

Fishing

At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down ? "She replied "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal ? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing !"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUCK or DROWN"

Questions Questions ..

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?
A: He was getting into everybody's hair.

A Social Misfit

A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top sometimes, her on top!"

"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"I dunno, I never found her head."

Better prospect ...

Larry is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Larry goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Florence, age 87, wanders into the garden.

They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Larry turns to Florence and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, "What ?"
"SEX!!!"
Florence exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I paid you !"
"I know," Larry says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Florence, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it."

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they will sit and talk and Florence will hold Larry's manhood. Then, one night, Larry didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Florence decided to find Larry and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the gardens and she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Larry's manhood !

Furious, Florence yelled, "You two-timing old creep! What does she have that I don't have ?"
Larry smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's disease !!"

The MotorBike

A young man gets invited round his girlfriend's house to meet the family for the first time. He accepted, explaining that he had to pick up a new motorbike on the way round. The bike was a Harley. The previous owner, an old Hell's Angel, said how he'd cared for it and cherished it. Before the lad left he was given a jar of vaseline.
"If it rains, rub this on to prevent rust" said the old owner.

On arrival at his girlfriend's house the lad was met by the young lady.
"There's something I have to explain," she said. "We have a rule that the first person to speak during dinner has to do the washing up."

When he went in and sat down there was dead silence. Throughout the first course not a word was spoken. As the main course was being served the lad decided to try an experiment. He grabbed his girlfriend, pulled down her knickers and made passionate love to her on the dining table.
Despite a few raised eyebrows nobody said anything.

A little bit later, feeling refreshed, the lad decided to try it again. This time, as the mother was bending over to pass the peas, he took her from behind in front of everyone.
Once again there was silence.

Feeling amorous again during desert, the young lad turned his attention to his girlfriend's sister. Sitting her on top of her pavlova he proceded to eat her out.
Nobody spoke.

As the coffee was being served, the lad noticed that it had started raining. He stood up and got the vasaline out of his pocket, determined to follow the instructions of the old biker.

"All right," yelled the father. "I'll do the bloody washing up!".

Cider

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mum.
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked mum, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"

Greedy Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.

While he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off of the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole!

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, What?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.....WHOLE!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. The little bastard. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up it's butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, What?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!!"

Don't fart in bed.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years when by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts in. Some time later she heard her husband wake and let rip the usual trouser trumpet which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Hou were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Canadian Airlines

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what are you going to do do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the pilot, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump.....after which, I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... and then after dinner and a few drinks, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

Secret Lover

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says,
"It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says
"It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here now," says the priest

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1.Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails./tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Doing what comes naturally

A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks. There where only 3 survivors: Ian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Deirdre felt really bad about what she had been doing... She felt having sex with Ian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Ian and Darren managed to get through it, and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.....

Well, a couple more years went by and Ian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.

So................



They buried her.

The job ...

A Scouser walked into the local DSS office, marched straight up to the counter and said "I'm lookin' for a job.".

The man behind the counter replied
"Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.
Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary is ?30,000 a year.".

The Scouser said "Nah, you're bullshittin' me!".

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it !".

Chat radio USA

Many Chicago folks heard this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."


3 minutes of commercials follow.


DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooo ..... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "In the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

Compliment ...

A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband
"I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies... "Well your eyesight's spot on".

The Pig

Tony Blair and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Tony told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Tony sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you", asked Tony.
Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter ripped my clothes off and gave me a blow job.
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Blair.

The driver replies, "I'm Tony Blair's driver, and I just killed the pig".

Better not to ask

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why vould you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times..."

"3, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan...

Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you...

Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again..."

"I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club .... And you were 97 votes short...."

How to Truly Impress A Client

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favour."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

The Elephants Trunk

A man went to a doctor to have his dick enlarged. The particular procedure involved grafting a baby elephant's trunk onto the end. Overjoyed, the man went out with his girlfriend to a very fancy restaurant.

After cocktails, the man's prick crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"

Suddenly, the prick came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw...can you do that again ?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "I'd like to, but I don't think my arse can take another crusty roll !"

Batty

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't"

Handyman

A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts! "Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly." "Fix the fridge door ? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead ? I don't think so."
"Fine !" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door ? They're about to break."

"Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!" So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. "Hey, how'd this all get fixed ?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", He asked.
She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead ? I don't think so !!"

Healthcare for the elderly

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed wind at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing wind because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my wind..... although still silent... smells terrible."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Kosovo Charity Appeal

Subject: Kosovo twins

I have been contacted by an associate in Kosovo responsible for relocating young people displaced during the war. While the actual conflict is now over, and the majority of refugees have returned home, there are many others who have not - quite simply because they have no home to go to.

My associate has asked me to help find a home for a pair of twins, preferably in France/England/Germany or North America. Their family has been devastated. All they have left is each other, so if we could keep them together, they would have a better chance of finding happiness.

I've enclosed a tatty family photo of the twins, and I hope that someone will be able to take them in. At this time the twins have nothing; no money, no shoes, and no clothes. If you do want to offer them a home you will have to provide all of these things.

Most importantly they will need your love. I hope that you will find room in your heart to help.

Prozac

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - sitting in the waiting room at the vet's strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle my owners bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, legs, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.

Size Matters

A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. "
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh
The dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January one for February, one for..."

Education

A teacher explains to her class that she is a New Labour supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were New Labour supporter too.

Not really knowing what a New Labour supporter was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a New Labour supporter."

"Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"Why I'm a proud Conservative," boasts the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a Conservative.

"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are Conservatives, and I am a Conservative too."

The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She pauses, and lets out a smile.

"Then," Lucy says, "I'd be a New Labour supporter."

Sex education

A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."