At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side.
I would’ve drunk a little less, I would’ve tried to keep my head,
If I’d known for just one second you’d assault me in your bed.

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But you’ve been sitting on my legs and I can’t feel them anymore.
And now you’re sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace.
I only hope that you’re big knickers aren’t made of liquorice lace.

I want to go, I’ve got to leave.
Before your fat and naked body makes me bend over and heave.
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you’re half cut.

I can’t believe, I’m lying here.
It’s all "cos of that fucking evil drink that we call beer.
You can Sod your beer goggles, shit I must have been blind,
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.

Please let me go, I’m getting scared.
There’s nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I’ve just filled up with water.

It’s time to go, run out the door.
She’s started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor.
I don’t think there’s anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-lics curse.