"Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love."
Woody Allen.

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
Brendan Francis.

"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn’t get laid."
Denis Leary.

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo Philips.

"It’s better to be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother."
Charles Pierce.

"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said "no’."
Woody Allen.

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."
RD Laing.

"Love is the answer - but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."
Woody Allen.

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace.

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic."
Woody Allen.

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often."
Emo Philips.

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
Matt Groening.

"Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."
Steve Martin.

"It’s so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up who."
Joan Rivers.