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It has been brought to our attention that some jokes on this site are mildly offensive. Time permitting we will review them all and remove those which we deem to be insufficiently offensive. In the meantime we hope that the large quantity of utter filth will offer some recompense.

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Dirty jokes - tasteless sick sexist gross adult humour

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Some of our favourite jokes

	Firewood....
	"Hello, is this here the Sheriff’s Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I’m calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He’s drillin" holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!" Thank you very much for the call sir." The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil’s house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they split yer farwood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Who says rednecks aren’t real bright?!)

Career advice

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered "Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull:
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven’t got the energy."
"Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull, "They’re packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there , a cow came by and shat on it. As the freezing bird lay in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard him singing and came to investigate. Following the sound the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of this Story:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

Summary

An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up and some merely fooling around.
- The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
- The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but Arseholes!!!!

	Viagra dosage
	An elderly gentleman went to the local chemist and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That’s too small a dose. That won’t get you through intimacy. The old fellow said, "Oh, I’m past eighty years old and I don’t even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t piss on my new golf shoes.

	Stewardess
	A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn’t work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the fuck do you want?" The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and thought "Ahhhhh, Easyjet".