Some of our favourite jokes
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Disabled Swimming |
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Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
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Dont fart in bed. |
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years when by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts in.
Some time later she heard her husband wake and let rip the usual trouser trumpet which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Hou were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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Hearing Confessions |
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand...and try sayings things like, "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and, "I understand."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand, and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ’No sh*t?! What happened next?’
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S-S-S-T-T-T-TUTTER-R-R-RING P-P-PROBLEM |
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A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem."
The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"
The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!"
The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know..."
A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
The bartender says, "Why didn’t you try what I told you?"
"I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"
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