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It has been brought to our attention that some jokes on this site are mildly offensive. Time permitting we will review them all and remove those which we deem to be insufficiently offensive. In the meantime we hope that the large quantity of utter filth will offer some recompense.

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Dirty jokes - tasteless sick sexist gross adult humour

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Some of our favourite jokes

	Heavenly Golf
	One day Nick Faldo was on golf course, had a heart attack and died. When he goes up to heaven the bloke on the gates tells him that Jesus is dying to meet him to play a round of golf! Nick is overjoyed and meets Jesus and this little baldy bloke on the course. He offers to go first, tees off and lands 2 inches away from the pin. Jesus tees off and lands 1 inch away from the pin. The baldy bloke tees off in completly the wrong direction into a nearby stream. A salmon sees the ball picks it up and swims on. An otter in the stream catches the salmon and dashes up the other side of the bank. Meanwhile, overhead an eagle sees the otter with the salmon and sees lunch! Picks up the otter and flies off. The otter is too heavy and the eagle drops it. The otter drops salmon. The salmon drops the ball..... The ball drops straight into the hole... Jesus says "Fuck me Dad - that’s the last time I play with you - you always bloody cheat"!

	Hypnotists be warned
	The great Angelini was doing the final show of her nationwide tour at the London Palladium. She was famous for hypnotising the entire audience at once. Once the audience was settled she took out her antique pocket watch that had been in her family for 5 generations and began to swing it from side to side. The audience followed the watch in a daze when suddenly it slipped from the great Angelini’s fingers and smashed into a thousand pieces on the floor. SHIT!! she screamed It took 2 weeks to clean the London Palladium

	Little Cat
	One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn’t that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it. The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it. The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in. The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!

	Little Red Riding Hood
	Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said "You’d better not go out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood, because the big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do; He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fk your little red socks off." But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don’t worry Mum, I’ve got it covered." So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn’t be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do if he catches you. He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fk your little red socks off." So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don’t worry boys. Got it covered!" As she continued through the forest, she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn’t have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I’m going to do. I’m going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off." So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, "NO! You’re going to eat me like the book says..."